one fateful september... a life's journey and testimony

My life is a never ending roller coaster ride with its share of ups and downs. Looking back to how my life was and where it is leading and how I found grace and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ made me thankful to be alive. This is a story and a testimony of how my faith came to be. My life was filled with darkness and now I am slowly coming into the light and doing God's work and obeying HIS will but I admit that I am still a continuous work in progress...

My childhood days were filled with wonder and curiosity but it was mostly filled with loneliness. I was already exposed to a lot of discrimination early on in my childhood as people see me as someone weird. Other kids refused to play with me and called me names, they told me that they don't want to play with a "mongoloid". People judged me early on with what I look like and never bothered to spend time to know the real me. I already learned to make do with the cards that I'm dealt with early on in life, so what I did was I adjusted and I learned to be contented in just sitting at a corner while watching other kids play with their friends. This is the time when my imagination became apparent as I learned to play by myself and making up stories and adventures during those times that I am playing alone. This is also the time that I learned to take refuge in food.

During my later days in elementary school, I managed to heard of Christianity and I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and saviour but my faith haven't actually been fruitful and there was no growth because I didn't take things seriously then. On my high school years I did everything that I can to try and please everybody because I was desperately trying to fit in. This was the time that I forged some friendship which lead me to learn how to smoke. My grades started to dwindle so I eventually need to break free from those bad influences. I was the butt of a lot of bad jokes and pranks during those times because of my desperation. I was an "errand boy" to a lot of my classmates hoping that they would accept my friendship.

Puppy love was also out of the question as no girl in my school wanted to "go out" with the likes of me so I've been rejected and burned for a lot of times. My sadness and loneliness was still there and I felt that my life was really empty. Sure, I have my share of friends but they would rather spend time with their other peers than to be a friend to me. It was only now that their friendship was tested. It was during my high school days that I dabbled into sports and I liked the feeling of glory that it was giving me so I became extremely competitive but still, I felt that something was missing...

My college and adult life was also like that. My faith and belief in GOD was completely gone and I officially became an atheist during those times. I learned to question the existence of GOD during those times when my father was afflicted with cancer. My thoughts then about HIM was where were YOU in all of these? I turned my attention in slowly building my career in the non-life insurance field and I was considered as one of the best in the field. But being the best was not as sweet as it was cut out to be. My life is still filled with sadness and loneliness. I tried to look for romance but I was turned down one after another. Rejection for me has always been a constant companion, I learned to accept rejection earlier in life. Since I am already making some money, I turned to other things to make me happy.

This is the time when I learned to turn to sexual immorality with prostitutes, one night stands or sexual meet ups and drinking to make me happy. This is the time when I am slowly becoming addicted to sex. I was looking for love and acceptance and I was looking in the wrong places. I had a lot of so called friends then because I had money. Little did I knew then that I was actually slowly digging a very deep pit to bury myself in.

I thought I've found love when I had my first real girlfriend in 2003, our relationship lasted only for about 11 months. I thought wrong because she never really loved me that much so after being business partners with her, she left me holding the tab to pay off our debts when our business failed. It was during this time that my faith and trust in people are begining to dwindle as my life was also filled with a lot of people who actually betrayed me. All I ever really wanted was to be loved, accepted and understood.

I had to look for another job and my journey landed me in the corporate servicing team of American Express. Again, I was at the top of my game but I still feel sad, lonely and empty so my vices and sexual addiction still fueled me. It was during this time that I met my second girlfriend. I thought that she was the one that I was supposed to spend my life with. My drinking habits have been curved and I also stopped going to girly bars and nightclubs and having one night stands or sexual meet ups or booty calls. I turned my sexual energy towards her and we had a relationship based on love, lust and sex. I experienced happiness in her and a lot of things had also changed in my personality but then disaster struct.

I was out of the job on the later part of our relationship and am having difficulty in finding a decent paying job so that I can eventually support her once our marriage plans pushed through. Money was no longer coming in, the bills are no longer getting paid on time and times are getting a lot harder. It was during this times that we began to fight a lot. I was disappointed with what was happening to my life and she was constantly nagging me and telling me that she don't want to be the one supporting me if we got married. So she got tired of it all and she eventually turned her back on me. I was devastated because I have finally lost everything. My life just totally spun out of control. I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that happened to me. The sadness, loneliness and pain that I felt was so unbearable that I really contemplated to commit suicide and take my own life.

It was during this time that I reflected on my life's journey and through the help of my lifelong friend, realized that maybe GOD just wanted me to shut up and listen to HIM for a change. So I went to church one fateful day in September and I prayed and asked for HIS forgiveness and accepted HIS son Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour. For the first time in my life, my heart no longer felt empty. I have already found what I'm looking for. I found love, acceptance and understanding in the grace of GOD.

I cannot say that I am a perfect or worthy Christian because I know that I have my hands full. My sexual addiction is slowly being severed by HIS graces. My smoking habits are slowly dwindling as I am already down to a few sticks a day when I used to smoke at least a pack daily. I am also slowly begining to control my bad temper and I am also able to avoid cursing or cussing in every sentence that I spoke or written of. I know that I have a long way to go before I can be sanctified but I know that GOD and the HOLY Spirit is slowly working in me. Molding, shaping, refining, healing, and purifying me so that I can work for God's glory. And I believe that my life will one day tell the story of my Lord Jesus Christ. As of now, I will have faith in GOD's plans and promises and I will do my best to do HIS work and HIS will.

I hope that my story will inspire change in those that feel that their lives are empty. Contentment can be found through GOD and our Lord Jesus Christ. All we need to do is ask and we shall recieve, seek and we shall find HIM in all HIS love and glory. HE can forgive a sinner like me so I know that HE can also forgive all the sins of everybody. Love, joy and happiness is but a simple prayer away, all you need to do is ask GOD for the forgiveness of your sins and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and saviour.

I found peace in knowing that I am saved, I found joy in knowing that I am loved. It is by HIS graces that I am still here. I know that my life and my work has just began.

persecution, an eye opener

Today's church service was a very interesting one because we tackled the widespread persecution of Christians throughout the world. I couldn't believe that this is still happening even in modern times. A lot of our Christian brothers and sisters are still facing a ton of difficulties specially in the Muslim countries. I still couldn't believe that even their governments are also persecuting my fellow Christians. Many of them are imprisoned, tortured, beaten, put to shame and even killed to try to extinguish their faith.

I now realized how lucky I am to live in a country where Christianity is actually encouraged. But to be honest, I am really concerned and deeply troubled with what is happening around us. I pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ will be strong in their faith, and I also pray that God will find a way for them to still spread the gospel to those that may not even know our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that the light will not be overcome by the darkness...

a life changing prayer

Take me out of the dark
By: Gary Valenciano

Just what is it in me
Sometimes I just don’t know
What keeps me in your love
Why you never let me go
And though you’re in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord, please show me how
To know just how you feel
You have forgiven me
Too many times, it seems
I feel I’m not what you might call
A worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so
Temptation find its way to me

[chorus]

Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart
To lean not on my own understanding
‘Cause I just forget
You won’t give me what I can’t bear
Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don’t wanna be there
No, no, no more

You’ve never left my side
You gave your hand to me
To hold you, Oh Jesus,
I’m no longer in the cold
And yet, I leave you there
When I feel satisfied
I’d like to thank you everyday
Not only when I feel this way

I’ve never known a man who’d give his life
For sinners like me
And yet because he loves us so
He’s promised us eternity
And we can have that promise and be His
If we have faith and just believe

[chorus]

Teach us to trust in you with all of our heart
To lean not on our own understanding
‘Cause we just forget
You won’t give us what we can’t bear
Take us out of the dark, my Lord
‘Coz we don’t wanna be alone
Take us out of the dark, my Lord
We don’t wanna be there
No, no, my Lord


This song has actually been my prayer of repentance and acceptance. I was never a good christian and I have totally abandoned GOD during my younger days to the point of totally loosing faith and not believing in HIS existence. And yet HE is still there holding HIS hand to me, always ready to forgive me for all my sins even though I have left HIM in the cold for far too many times. I wept when I heard this song as I truly repented for all of my sins and really accepted Christ into my heart and my life. Thanks to GOD's never ending graces, I am now saved and my sins and impurities are cleansed by the blood of my Lord Jesus Christ. I just want to praise and serve HIM now. I pray that GOD may use me to be a witness and testimony to HIS graces. I admit that I am still a work in progress and my road will be long, hard and narrow but I welcome this journey as I know that it will bring me closer to GOD and to Christ. I pray that my life will eventually reflect the life and love of our Lord Jesus Christ.

a new family

October 26, 2008 was the 29th year founding anniversary of our church. they threw a welcoming party to the newcomers for the year and i was one of them. i really thanked the Lord for providing me with a supportive christian family. i hope that my christian faith would grow inspite of all my weaknesses and temptations. i just pray that God would forgive me for all of my sins and weaknesses and i also pray that HE will give me strength to overcome them. and i also pray that HE would help me to overcome the powers of the enemy so that my faith will finally grow... to all the christians who may read this blog please pray for me as i am still fighting my battles against the enemy from within but i know that i may one day be victorious as GOD is on my side...

a start of something new

My current walk with the Lord Jesus Christ have opened plenty of doors for me. I thought that I would be lonely and I was really afraid of walking this earth alone. I guess God has a way of working things out for the best. HE has in a way pointed me to the right direction. I am now a member of a good church who provides genuine support and encouragement for those who are just starting to grow in their christian faith. This same church have opened doors to new friendship that may be forged as time goes by. I guess that I never really have anything to be afraid of now that God is in full control of my life. My heart is now filled with joy, I am now learning to be contented with what I have and I am now trusting my life fully to the Lord Jesus Christ. HE is now the captain of my ship, and the master of my fate.

I now understand that God do have a plan for each and everyone of us and I am really looking forward to what His plans are for me. For once in my life, I am really excited as to what tomorrow may bring. I no longer have any moments of hesitation, the fear in my heart is already fading. All I have right now is trust, faith and love. I guess that's all I'll ever need as I know that God will provide for all things as He has provided for all other living creatures. What a joyous life this will be!!! Praise be to GOD!

a broken spirit...

Looking back on the things that recently happened in my life made me ask a lot of questions. My life was starting to look up a couple of years back and I was slowly managing to get back on my feet from my challenges then. I met the girl of my dreams, I got a nice and above-average paying job at one of the world's largest financial institutions and I was living my dream. That success of mine made me forgot about God. Well in a way, I have been a free thinker or an athiest for more than ten years now.

I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and one thing slowly led to another. I guess we all need to live with the consequences of our actions for everybody will be held accountable for in the end. My life was filled with pride so God slowly took away everything that mattered to me. I lost my job last April and had a difficult time in finding a new one since the economy nowadays are really bad. My savings are slowly diminishing because of the unemployment, the bills are slowly piling up and I am really falling deep into debt. To make matters worse, my girlfriend and I begun fighting a lot because I felt rejected, abandoned and taken for granted and I am just calling out for help (not financially), patience and understanding but she wouldn't listen. She finally left me on one fateful day in September. Just when I thought that nothing worse will happen, it did and i almost lost my right eye to a nasty infection.

I was in a state of desperation as I felt that no one can sink any lower that I have. I've lost my spirit and my will to live. The thought of suicide has been constantly creeping into my mind and I almost did give in to that thought. My heart and spirit was broken into a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. I got no one to turn to... I felt that I've lost everything... I even reached a point where I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that's been happening to me.

I tried to call out to my friends for help but they were all busy with their lives now so I really never expected them to heed my call. Then one Saturday morning, I recieved a call from my lifelong friend and he invited me to his place out of the metro. It was during that time that I did a lot of soul searching. I remembered asking him if I am a bad or evil person to deserve what I've been going through. His reply was, "no you're not a bad or evil person. You're just someone who've made a lot of bad choices in life. Maybe it's about time that you start to listen in your heart as to what God is trying to tell you?".

I meditated and pondered on what we've talked about and something has pushed me to go to church that Sunday morning. I went there a little bit late so the second service is already over. I just sat quietly in a corner and I poured my heart out to God. I am already tired of fighting, tired of living, tired of running around in circles, tired of hurting. I wept and I prayed and asked for God to forgive me and accept me back into His arms. I also told Him that I am accepting His son, Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour again. My life is His to live now and may His will be done. I felt the love of the Lord instantly and I felt His warm embrace welcoming me back home. His only question was, "what took you so long?".

I know realize God's purpose with what has happened to me. He needs me crushed and broken in spirit and in my heart so that he can make me whole again so I can serve Him better (Psalms 51:14 - 17). He gave me Ann so that He can teach me a lesson about love, humility and about letting go and moving forward. He gave me my infection so I can learn the power of His love and that miracles do come true. I was worried about what my future may bring so He gave me peace (Matthew 6:25 - 34). I was weary and He gave me refuge (Matthew 11:28).

So now I finally understand that everything has a reason for happening. All I need to do is to trust in the Lord and He will guide my way. Praise be to God!

storm's passing

i just underwent a ton of trials for the past few months which almost ruined me. i lost faith in a lot of things including love and people. those whom i thought that truly cared and loved me left me in my darkest hour, i practically lost everything and when i thought that things could never get worse, it did and i almost lost my right eye to an infection.

i was in a state of depression and hopelessness and i thought that things will never look up again. i did a lot of soul searching to try and look for some answers and all it took was to renew my faith in GOD. HE was just waiting for me to repent from my sins, surrender my life to HIM and let HIM take control of everything.

i almost stopped believing in miracles, i have actually stopped having faith in GOD when all of these things happened. i couldn't take it anymore and i almost took my own life. i was in a state of desperation when i decided to call the 700 club hotline because i needed help and i needed someone to talk to. this opened the way for me to return home to Jesus and restore my faith in GOD.

i went to church that sunday morning and i poured my heart out to HIM and he hugged me and welcome me back home. since then my life was never the same again. it was the start of something new for me. for the first time in my life, i finally felt the love of GOD. HE began to work HIS miracles in me by giving me peace. HE then took away my pains, healed my eyes and is continually blessing me. thanks to HIS graces i am now slowly standing back on my feet.

GOD is guiding me right now and pointing me to the right direction, i now trust HIM with all my heart and my praises for HIM is beyond measure. HE has provided a way for me to become productive again by giving me a job so that i could start helping out my family and so that i could start paying my bills and debts. i will be eternally greatful to HIM for HE made me believe that miracles do happen, that all is not yet lost. now i believe that everything will be ok because i now have Jesus Christ in my heart and GOD by my side... my life has finally begun.

rooms

"Life is a series of rooms, and who we end up stuck in that room with adds up to what our lives are..." - house m.d. the tv show

I am watching the third season of House M.D. and this episode about a rape victim becoming pregnant and refusing to terminat got to me. The sanctity of life is really a touchy matter to begin with, but what really got to me is what the above mentioned phrase meant.

I pondered on it for a while and this phrase holds true in each and everyone of us. Our lives are really a series of rooms and chapters and what we've done and who we're with really adds up to how are lives are. This is about making a difference and touching other peoples hearts and lives so that we could all be remembered in the end.

One of my greatest fears was to grow old and die alone and miserable. I somehow felt that I havent' done enough to be remembered, that I haven't done enough to make a difference. I know I did my best to make a difference and touch other peoples lives, but is my best really good enough?

I have my share of disagreements and misunderstandings with a lot of people and all the while I thought that they are the ones who don't understand me. Looking back made me realize that how can they understand me when I don't even understand myself?...

I have spent too many a chapter of my life with different sorts of people but each of them have moved on with their lives now and somehow, I don't feel that I have in a way made any difference in their lives for me to be remembered. I somehow feel forgotten and taken for granted for far too many times.

Maybe I was just too busy trying to please everybody that I actually ended up pleasing no one including myself? Or maybe, I was wrong and I did touched their lives and made a difference and I might be remembered after all...

keep moving forward

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths". This is a very simple and meaningful qoutation made from the greatest animator in the world, Mr. Walt Disney. I first came upon this phrase was while I am watching the film Meet the Robinsons.

One of the scene's dialogue got to me which stated "you just focused on the bad stuff, when all you need to do is let go of the past and keep moving forward...". This phrase hit me and made me think, maybe the reason why I am always having a hard time with my life is because I am constantly stuck in the past. I always beat myself up on the past failures that I have made. I never really have forgiven myself for those failures hence, I never really did move on...

I tend to dwell on the things that happened and tend to think about them over and over again. This could be the reason why I never got anywhere because I am always running around in circles, this could also be the reason why I never made something out of myself.

This story actually teaches us about pain, disappoinments and failures and how to deal with them. Though it's a cartoon, one can actually pick up a lot of lessons in it. I used to be so afraid of failing when all I needed to do was to learn from those failures and just keep moving forward.

So now this is exactly what I am learning to do, I'm learning to let go of the past, learn from the lessons of yesterday and just keep moving forward so that I can open new doors that may lead to new opportunities. And looking forward to where my life's journey would eventually take me.

eye matters part 2

looking back from all that is happening, i can say that GOD's love is eternal. i have prayed for HIM to touch me with HIS healing hands and by HIS graces i was healed. it's been days now since i last felt the pain in my right eye. i also noticed that the redness and swelling is subsiding and my vision is slowly returning (praise be to GOD!). i can't wait to see the looks on my doctor's faces when they will see me this week. i am living proof that GOD's love is eternal.

i used to question and blame GOD for everything that has been happening in my life. i felt that HE has abandoned me. it took quite some time before i realized that GOD haven't abandoned me but it was the other way around. i totally refused to live according to HIS will and tried to make it on my own. i guess that all things happened for a reason, i am beginning to understand now that all that HE did was love.

GOD wanted me to learn my lessons in life so that i can be a better individual who lives according to HIS will and work according to HIS graces and glory. i was too busy and too pigheaded to notice HIM.

right now i am already starting my walk in life with GOD and the Lord Jesus Christ by my side. i now know that things would never be the same again as a whole new world has opened up to me. i now feel safe as i know that everything will be alright. i now believe in GOD's miracles as HE has performed one in me.

stages

My recent experience in dealing with a love that's lost have brought me a lot of mixed emotions. Looking back, I could safely say that I went through the following stages:

1. Denial - I couldn't believe that she left me when I thought that our love was going to last forever. This is the hardest part of my mourning as I practically held on to a love that was no longer meant to be.

2. Anger - After the stage of denial, I was overcome with a terrible sense of anger, I was angry at her for not being patient enough, for not loving me enough, i was angry at God for letting this happen to the point of blaming Him, but I was mostly angry at myself for not being the perfect guy that she wanted me to be...

3. Grief - I finally let out all my emotions in a river of tears. Crying in a was seemed to help as it washed away all the anger and emotions that I am feeling at that very moment.

4. Reflection - I looked back to what once what and did a deep soul searching to find out what went wrong, I tried to seek the answers from her but she refused to communicate with me so what's the point. This is the time when I renewed old friendships as they served as my biggest mirror in life. This is also the time when I am slowly finding my way back to God.

5. Acceptance - I accepted my fate and the fact that she has walked out of my life. I also learned to count my blessings and this is the part where God has touched my heart. This is also the part that HE made me feel that HE loves me no matter who and what I was, am and will be...

6. Peace - I now raise and surrender everything that I was, am and will be to the will of the Lord. HE is now at the helm of my ship and I am finally finding peace and serenity and on my road to happiness.

7. Healing - I prayed to God to take away all my pain and His answer to me was "my son, I am forever with you, I am carrying you through your struggles and I have healed you of your pains..."

8. Moving on - My life is now in the hands of the Lord. I know that He will do what's best for me so I am slowly having faith. I know that in His time, everything will be alright, I will find true love, peace and happiness so all hope has not been lost. Blessed is the one who will have faith in HIM for he is truly GOD almighty. His promises are eternal and He will forever be by our side...

I now look forward to my walk in life as I know that I will never be alone from now on. I now know that GOD and Jesus Christ will be my constant companion giving me the strength to face whatever life my bring...

a new life...

Just went to church today after a very long time wholeheartedly... I just feel the need to talk to God in His home so I went to my nearest parish and poured my heart out. it is one experience that i could never forget because I haven't been really home in a very long time.

Going back to Christ has brought me a lot of mixed emotions but I was mostly afraid if He will accept me again and forgive all my sins, so for the first time in my life, I finally went back home to Christ. As I was pouring my heart out, I can feel his warm embrace welcoming me back home. I now know that life would never be the same again, a whole new world has opened up to me in more ways that one. I've finally found the peace and forgiveness that I've been looking for. It has been staring me at the face but I was too busy to notice.

God has touched my life yet again and he has brought me back from the dead... And thanks to His never ending love and grace, I am now born again. At last peace, true love and happiness is now within my reach.

change...

Spending time away from everything even for a day can truly change one's perspective on the things that are happening. I did just that when I went out of town to a place called Imus Cavite in the Philippines to spend time with a lifelong friend who I haven't gotten in touch with for a very long time. We got to talk about my recently failed relationship and he has always been a very big mirror to me...

My recent travel was about change and a chance to take a deeper look into my very soul... And it is also a way for me to gain a new perspective in life and what's been happening. I gained a lot of new insights during this trip.

I was actually feeling down and out for more than 2 weeks when that friend of mine invited me to his store out of town for me to have a change of scenery and we got to talk about the concept of change and acceptance for all that's been happening. It is a chance for me to do a little deep soul searching and try to make sense in everything...

I am just glad that there are others out there who really care for me. I'm still glad that I somehow still have my friends. And I'm glad that I manage to talk to this one as nobody knows me better that he does. At the end of the day, I am slowly finding peace and acceptance in all of this and now I am really ready to start learning to move on and live my life without her. Now I am ready to start picking up the pieces to start building a better life.

I just pray that I will one day find true love and happiness and I pray that if that day should come, I will finally be ready to embrace it with all my heart. As for the moment, I need to just learn to be content and play the cards I've been dealt with and turn all this around into something positive and productive.

I have now realized that the road to true peace and happiness should begin from within. All my life, I have been trying so hard to make other people happy so I can feel accepted never realizing that it is hurting me even more.

So now, a new chapter of my life is opening and I am looking forward to what this may bring. I know that God will be here to guide me as in a way, He never really did abandon me. I was just too stubborn to listen to His guidance. Maybe it's about time that I start to learn to listen...

Epiphany

I now realize why I am having trouble in finding peace with all that's been happening to me. I was holding onto a past that's full of sadness and pain. I was really having trouble letting go... Maybe that is the reason why I am practically miserable with my life. During one of my reflections a while ago, I remembered the teachings of my ex during our happier days and she told me that the keys to true happiness is to learn from the mistakes of your past, let go of all the ugliness and just keep moving forward...

Keep moving forward, such simple words but full of meaning. I have forgotten those words that she spoke of till now. Maybe with the grace of God, I will find the strength to just keep on moving forward... and maybe someday, I will truly find the peace and inner healing that I am yearning for. As for now, my quest for a whole new life has finally begun...

Lord, I surrender...

I give up, I don't want to fight anymore... I'm tired of all the things that been happening to me, I blame no one but myself and my past sins. Please take this pain and misery away from me and give me peace in my heart... Take my life and make it as your own... All I ask is for me to find peace... My life is spinning beyond my control, please guide me back Lord and your will be done...