Thursday, November 13, 2008

one fateful september... a life's journey and testimony

My life is a never ending roller coaster ride with its share of ups and downs. Looking back to how my life was and where it is leading and how I found grace and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ made me thankful to be alive. This is a story and a testimony of how my faith came to be. My life was filled with darkness and now I am slowly coming into the light and doing God's work and obeying HIS will but I admit that I am still a continuous work in progress...
My childhood days were filled with wonder and curiosity but it was mostly filled with loneliness. I was already exposed to a lot of discrimination early on in my childhood as people see me as someone weird. Other kids refused to play with me and called me names, they told me that they don't want to play with a "mongoloid". People judged me early on with what I look like and never bothered to spend time to know the real me. I already learned to make do with the cards that I'm dealt with early on in life, so what I did was I adjusted and I learned to be contented in just sitting at a corner while watching other kids play with their friends. This is the time when my imagination became apparent as I learned to play by myself and making up stories and adventures during those times that I am playing alone. This is also the time that I learned to take refuge in food.
During my later days in elementary school, I managed to heard of Christianity and I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and saviour but my faith haven't actually been fruitful and there was no growth because I didn't take things seriously then. On my high school years I did everything that I can to try and please everybody because I was desperately trying to fit in. This was the time that I forged some friendship which lead me to learn how to smoke. My grades started to dwindle so I eventually need to break free from those bad influences. I was the butt of a lot of bad jokes and pranks during those times because of my desperation. I was an "errand boy" to a lot of my classmates hoping that they would accept my friendship.
Puppy love was also out of the question as no girl in my school wanted to "go out" with the likes of me so I've been rejected and burned for a lot of times. My sadness and loneliness was still there and I felt that my life was really empty. Sure, I have my share of friends but they would rather spend time with their other peers than to be a friend to me. It was only now that their friendship was tested. It was during my high school days that I dabbled into sports and I liked the feeling of glory that it was giving me so I became extremely competitive but still, I felt that something was missing...
My college and adult life was also like that. My faith and belief in GOD was completely gone and I officially became an atheist during those times. I learned to question the existence of GOD during those times when my father was afflicted with cancer. My thoughts then about HIM was where were YOU in all of these? I turned my attention in slowly building my career in the non-life insurance field and I was considered as one of the best in the field. But being the best was not as sweet as it was cut out to be. My life is still filled with sadness and loneliness. I tried to look for romance but I was turned down one after another. Rejection for me has always been a constant companion, I learned to accept rejection earlier in life. Since I am already making some money, I turned to other things to make me happy.
This is the time when I learned to turn to sexual immorality with prostitutes, one night stands or sexual meet ups and drinking to make me happy. This is the time when I am slowly becoming addicted to sex. I was looking for love and acceptance and I was looking in the wrong places. I had a lot of so called friends then because I had money. Little did I knew then that I was actually slowly digging a very deep pit to bury myself in.
I thought I've found love when I had my first real girlfriend in 2003, our relationship lasted only for about 11 months. I thought wrong because she never really loved me that much so after being business partners with her, she left me holding the tab to pay off our debts when our business failed. It was during this time that my faith and trust in people are begining to dwindle as my life was also filled with a lot of people who actually betrayed me. All I ever really wanted was to be loved, accepted and understood.
I had to look for another job and my journey landed me in the corporate servicing team of American Express. Again, I was at the top of my game but I still feel sad, lonely and empty so my vices and sexual addiction still fueled me. It was during this time that I met my second girlfriend. I thought that she was the one that I was supposed to spend my life with. My drinking habits have been curved and I also stopped going to girly bars and nightclubs and having one night stands or sexual meet ups or booty calls. I turned my sexual energy towards her and we had a relationship based on love, lust and sex. I experienced happiness in her and a lot of things had also changed in my personality but then disaster struct.
I was out of the job on the later part of our relationship and am having difficulty in finding a decent paying job so that I can eventually support her once our marriage plans pushed through. Money was no longer coming in, the bills are no longer getting paid on time and times are getting a lot harder. It was during this times that we began to fight a lot. I was disappointed with what was happening to my life and she was constantly nagging me and telling me that she don't want to be the one supporting me if we got married. So she got tired of it all and she eventually turned her back on me. I was devastated because I have finally lost everything. My life just totally spun out of control. I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that happened to me. The sadness, loneliness and pain that I felt was so unbearable that I really contemplated to commit suicide and take my own life.
It was during this time that I reflected on my life's journey and through the help of my lifelong friend, realized that maybe GOD just wanted me to shut up and listen to HIM for a change. So I went to church one fateful day in September and I prayed and asked for HIS forgiveness and accepted HIS son Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour. For the first time in my life, my heart no longer felt empty. I have already found what I'm looking for. I found love, acceptance and understanding in the grace of GOD.
I cannot say that I am a perfect or worthy Christian because I know that I have my hands full. My sexual addiction is slowly being severed by HIS graces. My smoking habits are slowly dwindling as I am already down to a few sticks a day when I used to smoke at least a pack daily. I am also slowly begining to control my bad temper and I am also able to avoid cursing or cussing in every sentence that I spoke or written of. I know that I have a long way to go before I can be sanctified but I know that GOD and the HOLY Spirit is slowly working in me. Molding, shaping, refining, healing, and purifying me so that I can work for God's glory. And I believe that my life will one day tell the story of my Lord Jesus Christ. As of now, I will have faith in GOD's plans and promises and I will do my best to do HIS work and HIS will.
I hope that my story will inspire change in those that feel that their lives are empty. Contentment can be found through GOD and our Lord Jesus Christ. All we need to do is ask and we shall recieve, seek and we shall find HIM in all HIS love and glory. HE can forgive a sinner like me so I know that HE can also forgive all the sins of everybody. Love, joy and happiness is but a simple prayer away, all you need to do is ask GOD for the forgiveness of your sins and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and saviour.
I found peace in knowing that I am saved, I found joy in knowing that I am loved. It is by HIS graces that I am still here. I know that my life and my work has just began.

1 comment:

Devox said...

I just wanted to say that I loved reading your post. We share a very common path my friend. I am too, seeking God's Grace and Healing.

I believe there are many people like us feeling empty. I think it's a common symptom of modernity brought by individualism.

Do not give up friend. For it is said that the door to paradise can only be found in the bottoms of hell.