Tuesday, October 21, 2008

a broken spirit...

Looking back on the things that recently happened in my life made me ask a lot of questions. My life was starting to look up a couple of years back and I was slowly managing to get back on my feet from my challenges then. I met the girl of my dreams, I got a nice and above-average paying job at one of the world's largest financial institutions and I was living my dream. That success of mine made me forgot about God. Well in a way, I have been a free thinker or an athiest for more than ten years now.

I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and one thing slowly led to another. I guess we all need to live with the consequences of our actions for everybody will be held accountable for in the end. My life was filled with pride so God slowly took away everything that mattered to me. I lost my job last April and had a difficult time in finding a new one since the economy nowadays are really bad. My savings are slowly diminishing because of the unemployment, the bills are slowly piling up and I am really falling deep into debt. To make matters worse, my girlfriend and I begun fighting a lot because I felt rejected, abandoned and taken for granted and I am just calling out for help (not financially), patience and understanding but she wouldn't listen. She finally left me on one fateful day in September. Just when I thought that nothing worse will happen, it did and i almost lost my right eye to a nasty infection.

I was in a state of desperation as I felt that no one can sink any lower that I have. I've lost my spirit and my will to live. The thought of suicide has been constantly creeping into my mind and I almost did give in to that thought. My heart and spirit was broken into a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. I got no one to turn to... I felt that I've lost everything... I even reached a point where I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that's been happening to me.

I tried to call out to my friends for help but they were all busy with their lives now so I really never expected them to heed my call. Then one Saturday morning, I recieved a call from my lifelong friend and he invited me to his place out of the metro. It was during that time that I did a lot of soul searching. I remembered asking him if I am a bad or evil person to deserve what I've been going through. His reply was, "no you're not a bad or evil person. You're just someone who've made a lot of bad choices in life. Maybe it's about time that you start to listen in your heart as to what God is trying to tell you?".

I meditated and pondered on what we've talked about and something has pushed me to go to church that Sunday morning. I went there a little bit late so the second service is already over. I just sat quietly in a corner and I poured my heart out to God. I am already tired of fighting, tired of living, tired of running around in circles, tired of hurting. I wept and I prayed and asked for God to forgive me and accept me back into His arms. I also told Him that I am accepting His son, Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour again. My life is His to live now and may His will be done. I felt the love of the Lord instantly and I felt His warm embrace welcoming me back home. His only question was, "what took you so long?".

I know realize God's purpose with what has happened to me. He needs me crushed and broken in spirit and in my heart so that he can make me whole again so I can serve Him better (Psalms 51:14 - 17). He gave me Ann so that He can teach me a lesson about love, humility and about letting go and moving forward. He gave me my infection so I can learn the power of His love and that miracles do come true. I was worried about what my future may bring so He gave me peace (Matthew 6:25 - 34). I was weary and He gave me refuge (Matthew 11:28).

So now I finally understand that everything has a reason for happening. All I need to do is to trust in the Lord and He will guide my way. Praise be to God!

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