persecution, an eye opener

Today's church service was a very interesting one because we tackled the widespread persecution of Christians throughout the world. I couldn't believe that this is still happening even in modern times. A lot of our Christian brothers and sisters are still facing a ton of difficulties specially in the Muslim countries. I still couldn't believe that even their governments are also persecuting my fellow Christians. Many of them are imprisoned, tortured, beaten, put to shame and even killed to try to extinguish their faith.

I now realized how lucky I am to live in a country where Christianity is actually encouraged. But to be honest, I am really concerned and deeply troubled with what is happening around us. I pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ will be strong in their faith, and I also pray that God will find a way for them to still spread the gospel to those that may not even know our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that the light will not be overcome by the darkness...

a broken spirit...

Looking back on the things that recently happened in my life made me ask a lot of questions. My life was starting to look up a couple of years back and I was slowly managing to get back on my feet from my challenges then. I met the girl of my dreams, I got a nice and above-average paying job at one of the world's largest financial institutions and I was living my dream. That success of mine made me forgot about God. Well in a way, I have been a free thinker or an athiest for more than ten years now.

I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and one thing slowly led to another. I guess we all need to live with the consequences of our actions for everybody will be held accountable for in the end. My life was filled with pride so God slowly took away everything that mattered to me. I lost my job last April and had a difficult time in finding a new one since the economy nowadays are really bad. My savings are slowly diminishing because of the unemployment, the bills are slowly piling up and I am really falling deep into debt. To make matters worse, my girlfriend and I begun fighting a lot because I felt rejected, abandoned and taken for granted and I am just calling out for help (not financially), patience and understanding but she wouldn't listen. She finally left me on one fateful day in September. Just when I thought that nothing worse will happen, it did and i almost lost my right eye to a nasty infection.

I was in a state of desperation as I felt that no one can sink any lower that I have. I've lost my spirit and my will to live. The thought of suicide has been constantly creeping into my mind and I almost did give in to that thought. My heart and spirit was broken into a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. I got no one to turn to... I felt that I've lost everything... I even reached a point where I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that's been happening to me.

I tried to call out to my friends for help but they were all busy with their lives now so I really never expected them to heed my call. Then one Saturday morning, I recieved a call from my lifelong friend and he invited me to his place out of the metro. It was during that time that I did a lot of soul searching. I remembered asking him if I am a bad or evil person to deserve what I've been going through. His reply was, "no you're not a bad or evil person. You're just someone who've made a lot of bad choices in life. Maybe it's about time that you start to listen in your heart as to what God is trying to tell you?".

I meditated and pondered on what we've talked about and something has pushed me to go to church that Sunday morning. I went there a little bit late so the second service is already over. I just sat quietly in a corner and I poured my heart out to God. I am already tired of fighting, tired of living, tired of running around in circles, tired of hurting. I wept and I prayed and asked for God to forgive me and accept me back into His arms. I also told Him that I am accepting His son, Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour again. My life is His to live now and may His will be done. I felt the love of the Lord instantly and I felt His warm embrace welcoming me back home. His only question was, "what took you so long?".

I know realize God's purpose with what has happened to me. He needs me crushed and broken in spirit and in my heart so that he can make me whole again so I can serve Him better (Psalms 51:14 - 17). He gave me Ann so that He can teach me a lesson about love, humility and about letting go and moving forward. He gave me my infection so I can learn the power of His love and that miracles do come true. I was worried about what my future may bring so He gave me peace (Matthew 6:25 - 34). I was weary and He gave me refuge (Matthew 11:28).

So now I finally understand that everything has a reason for happening. All I need to do is to trust in the Lord and He will guide my way. Praise be to God!

eye matters part 2

looking back from all that is happening, i can say that GOD's love is eternal. i have prayed for HIM to touch me with HIS healing hands and by HIS graces i was healed. it's been days now since i last felt the pain in my right eye. i also noticed that the redness and swelling is subsiding and my vision is slowly returning (praise be to GOD!). i can't wait to see the looks on my doctor's faces when they will see me this week. i am living proof that GOD's love is eternal.

i used to question and blame GOD for everything that has been happening in my life. i felt that HE has abandoned me. it took quite some time before i realized that GOD haven't abandoned me but it was the other way around. i totally refused to live according to HIS will and tried to make it on my own. i guess that all things happened for a reason, i am beginning to understand now that all that HE did was love.

GOD wanted me to learn my lessons in life so that i can be a better individual who lives according to HIS will and work according to HIS graces and glory. i was too busy and too pigheaded to notice HIM.

right now i am already starting my walk in life with GOD and the Lord Jesus Christ by my side. i now know that things would never be the same again as a whole new world has opened up to me. i now feel safe as i know that everything will be alright. i now believe in GOD's miracles as HE has performed one in me.

stages

My recent experience in dealing with a love that's lost have brought me a lot of mixed emotions. Looking back, I could safely say that I went through the following stages:

1. Denial - I couldn't believe that she left me when I thought that our love was going to last forever. This is the hardest part of my mourning as I practically held on to a love that was no longer meant to be.

2. Anger - After the stage of denial, I was overcome with a terrible sense of anger, I was angry at her for not being patient enough, for not loving me enough, i was angry at God for letting this happen to the point of blaming Him, but I was mostly angry at myself for not being the perfect guy that she wanted me to be...

3. Grief - I finally let out all my emotions in a river of tears. Crying in a was seemed to help as it washed away all the anger and emotions that I am feeling at that very moment.

4. Reflection - I looked back to what once what and did a deep soul searching to find out what went wrong, I tried to seek the answers from her but she refused to communicate with me so what's the point. This is the time when I renewed old friendships as they served as my biggest mirror in life. This is also the time when I am slowly finding my way back to God.

5. Acceptance - I accepted my fate and the fact that she has walked out of my life. I also learned to count my blessings and this is the part where God has touched my heart. This is also the part that HE made me feel that HE loves me no matter who and what I was, am and will be...

6. Peace - I now raise and surrender everything that I was, am and will be to the will of the Lord. HE is now at the helm of my ship and I am finally finding peace and serenity and on my road to happiness.

7. Healing - I prayed to God to take away all my pain and His answer to me was "my son, I am forever with you, I am carrying you through your struggles and I have healed you of your pains..."

8. Moving on - My life is now in the hands of the Lord. I know that He will do what's best for me so I am slowly having faith. I know that in His time, everything will be alright, I will find true love, peace and happiness so all hope has not been lost. Blessed is the one who will have faith in HIM for he is truly GOD almighty. His promises are eternal and He will forever be by our side...

I now look forward to my walk in life as I know that I will never be alone from now on. I now know that GOD and Jesus Christ will be my constant companion giving me the strength to face whatever life my bring...

a new life...

Just went to church today after a very long time wholeheartedly... I just feel the need to talk to God in His home so I went to my nearest parish and poured my heart out. it is one experience that i could never forget because I haven't been really home in a very long time.

Going back to Christ has brought me a lot of mixed emotions but I was mostly afraid if He will accept me again and forgive all my sins, so for the first time in my life, I finally went back home to Christ. As I was pouring my heart out, I can feel his warm embrace welcoming me back home. I now know that life would never be the same again, a whole new world has opened up to me in more ways that one. I've finally found the peace and forgiveness that I've been looking for. It has been staring me at the face but I was too busy to notice.

God has touched my life yet again and he has brought me back from the dead... And thanks to His never ending love and grace, I am now born again. At last peace, true love and happiness is now within my reach.

realizations

This is the first day that I am trying to find peace from all that's happened to me. And this is the 14th day that I'm trying to find the answers why this has to happen to me, why does she have to hurt me like this when all I ever did was love... Everything just came tumbling down on the day I lost my job. She just stopped caring and moved on so fast. Then I found out from her that she's already seeing another man and my instinct told me that she's seeing him even when we're still together. The most painful part in all this is that she left me in my darkest hour when I was right beside her when she's facing some of life's toughest challenges and I took care of her all through those times...

Maybe I'm just trying too hard to find the answers. I have asked her the questions but she wouldn't grant me the courtesy of being honest with me. She told me that I do not have the right to ask such questions anymore...

I really felt alone and abandoned through all of these which lead me to another question, is God really fair? Does he really love us like He promised? Where is HE when I needed him?

Looking back, my relationship with that girl was a rocky one from the start. And when I analysed things, it has almost always been kinda one-sided. My relationship with the Lord is also quite similar. I used to have a personal relationship with Him (well I think I used to...) when I was in highschool and during my early years in college. My youth has lead me to a lot of challenges that broke my heart in more ways that one which lead me to really question my faith and walk with HIM. I have to admit though that I am not what you might call a worthy christian after all... I also have my flaws which eventually lead me to completely ignore my faith in HIM.

Maybe the challenges that I'm facing right now is just a gentle reminder from HIM that I need to set my life straight again. I used to blame GOD for all that's happening to me but as I thought things through, I realised that GOD is not the cause of my misery... I made my own decisions that lead to my own mistakes and those mistakes are the ones that are hurting me and making me feel the way I am right now. I am slowly beginning to realise the kind of life that I lived is not the one that he wants me to do. I have been going head to head against HIS own will for me, maybe that is the reason why my life is spinning out of control right now. I wish I could see the bigger picture, I wish I could understand HIS plans for me, I am having a hard time in trusting, I am having a difficult time in believing... Maybe all that I needed to do is to start trusting HIS heart...

Lord, I surrender...

I give up, I don't want to fight anymore... I'm tired of all the things that been happening to me, I blame no one but myself and my past sins. Please take this pain and misery away from me and give me peace in my heart... Take my life and make it as your own... All I ask is for me to find peace... My life is spinning beyond my control, please guide me back Lord and your will be done...