a new family

October 26, 2008 was the 29th year founding anniversary of our church. they threw a welcoming party to the newcomers for the year and i was one of them. i really thanked the Lord for providing me with a supportive christian family. i hope that my christian faith would grow inspite of all my weaknesses and temptations. i just pray that God would forgive me for all of my sins and weaknesses and i also pray that HE will give me strength to overcome them. and i also pray that HE would help me to overcome the powers of the enemy so that my faith will finally grow... to all the christians who may read this blog please pray for me as i am still fighting my battles against the enemy from within but i know that i may one day be victorious as GOD is on my side...

a start of something new

My current walk with the Lord Jesus Christ have opened plenty of doors for me. I thought that I would be lonely and I was really afraid of walking this earth alone. I guess God has a way of working things out for the best. HE has in a way pointed me to the right direction. I am now a member of a good church who provides genuine support and encouragement for those who are just starting to grow in their christian faith. This same church have opened doors to new friendship that may be forged as time goes by. I guess that I never really have anything to be afraid of now that God is in full control of my life. My heart is now filled with joy, I am now learning to be contented with what I have and I am now trusting my life fully to the Lord Jesus Christ. HE is now the captain of my ship, and the master of my fate.

I now understand that God do have a plan for each and everyone of us and I am really looking forward to what His plans are for me. For once in my life, I am really excited as to what tomorrow may bring. I no longer have any moments of hesitation, the fear in my heart is already fading. All I have right now is trust, faith and love. I guess that's all I'll ever need as I know that God will provide for all things as He has provided for all other living creatures. What a joyous life this will be!!! Praise be to GOD!

a broken spirit...

Looking back on the things that recently happened in my life made me ask a lot of questions. My life was starting to look up a couple of years back and I was slowly managing to get back on my feet from my challenges then. I met the girl of my dreams, I got a nice and above-average paying job at one of the world's largest financial institutions and I was living my dream. That success of mine made me forgot about God. Well in a way, I have been a free thinker or an athiest for more than ten years now.

I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and one thing slowly led to another. I guess we all need to live with the consequences of our actions for everybody will be held accountable for in the end. My life was filled with pride so God slowly took away everything that mattered to me. I lost my job last April and had a difficult time in finding a new one since the economy nowadays are really bad. My savings are slowly diminishing because of the unemployment, the bills are slowly piling up and I am really falling deep into debt. To make matters worse, my girlfriend and I begun fighting a lot because I felt rejected, abandoned and taken for granted and I am just calling out for help (not financially), patience and understanding but she wouldn't listen. She finally left me on one fateful day in September. Just when I thought that nothing worse will happen, it did and i almost lost my right eye to a nasty infection.

I was in a state of desperation as I felt that no one can sink any lower that I have. I've lost my spirit and my will to live. The thought of suicide has been constantly creeping into my mind and I almost did give in to that thought. My heart and spirit was broken into a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. I got no one to turn to... I felt that I've lost everything... I even reached a point where I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that's been happening to me.

I tried to call out to my friends for help but they were all busy with their lives now so I really never expected them to heed my call. Then one Saturday morning, I recieved a call from my lifelong friend and he invited me to his place out of the metro. It was during that time that I did a lot of soul searching. I remembered asking him if I am a bad or evil person to deserve what I've been going through. His reply was, "no you're not a bad or evil person. You're just someone who've made a lot of bad choices in life. Maybe it's about time that you start to listen in your heart as to what God is trying to tell you?".

I meditated and pondered on what we've talked about and something has pushed me to go to church that Sunday morning. I went there a little bit late so the second service is already over. I just sat quietly in a corner and I poured my heart out to God. I am already tired of fighting, tired of living, tired of running around in circles, tired of hurting. I wept and I prayed and asked for God to forgive me and accept me back into His arms. I also told Him that I am accepting His son, Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour again. My life is His to live now and may His will be done. I felt the love of the Lord instantly and I felt His warm embrace welcoming me back home. His only question was, "what took you so long?".

I know realize God's purpose with what has happened to me. He needs me crushed and broken in spirit and in my heart so that he can make me whole again so I can serve Him better (Psalms 51:14 - 17). He gave me Ann so that He can teach me a lesson about love, humility and about letting go and moving forward. He gave me my infection so I can learn the power of His love and that miracles do come true. I was worried about what my future may bring so He gave me peace (Matthew 6:25 - 34). I was weary and He gave me refuge (Matthew 11:28).

So now I finally understand that everything has a reason for happening. All I need to do is to trust in the Lord and He will guide my way. Praise be to God!

storm's passing

i just underwent a ton of trials for the past few months which almost ruined me. i lost faith in a lot of things including love and people. those whom i thought that truly cared and loved me left me in my darkest hour, i practically lost everything and when i thought that things could never get worse, it did and i almost lost my right eye to an infection.

i was in a state of depression and hopelessness and i thought that things will never look up again. i did a lot of soul searching to try and look for some answers and all it took was to renew my faith in GOD. HE was just waiting for me to repent from my sins, surrender my life to HIM and let HIM take control of everything.

i almost stopped believing in miracles, i have actually stopped having faith in GOD when all of these things happened. i couldn't take it anymore and i almost took my own life. i was in a state of desperation when i decided to call the 700 club hotline because i needed help and i needed someone to talk to. this opened the way for me to return home to Jesus and restore my faith in GOD.

i went to church that sunday morning and i poured my heart out to HIM and he hugged me and welcome me back home. since then my life was never the same again. it was the start of something new for me. for the first time in my life, i finally felt the love of GOD. HE began to work HIS miracles in me by giving me peace. HE then took away my pains, healed my eyes and is continually blessing me. thanks to HIS graces i am now slowly standing back on my feet.

GOD is guiding me right now and pointing me to the right direction, i now trust HIM with all my heart and my praises for HIM is beyond measure. HE has provided a way for me to become productive again by giving me a job so that i could start helping out my family and so that i could start paying my bills and debts. i will be eternally greatful to HIM for HE made me believe that miracles do happen, that all is not yet lost. now i believe that everything will be ok because i now have Jesus Christ in my heart and GOD by my side... my life has finally begun.

rooms

"Life is a series of rooms, and who we end up stuck in that room with adds up to what our lives are..." - house m.d. the tv show

I am watching the third season of House M.D. and this episode about a rape victim becoming pregnant and refusing to terminat got to me. The sanctity of life is really a touchy matter to begin with, but what really got to me is what the above mentioned phrase meant.

I pondered on it for a while and this phrase holds true in each and everyone of us. Our lives are really a series of rooms and chapters and what we've done and who we're with really adds up to how are lives are. This is about making a difference and touching other peoples hearts and lives so that we could all be remembered in the end.

One of my greatest fears was to grow old and die alone and miserable. I somehow felt that I havent' done enough to be remembered, that I haven't done enough to make a difference. I know I did my best to make a difference and touch other peoples lives, but is my best really good enough?

I have my share of disagreements and misunderstandings with a lot of people and all the while I thought that they are the ones who don't understand me. Looking back made me realize that how can they understand me when I don't even understand myself?...

I have spent too many a chapter of my life with different sorts of people but each of them have moved on with their lives now and somehow, I don't feel that I have in a way made any difference in their lives for me to be remembered. I somehow feel forgotten and taken for granted for far too many times.

Maybe I was just too busy trying to please everybody that I actually ended up pleasing no one including myself? Or maybe, I was wrong and I did touched their lives and made a difference and I might be remembered after all...

keep moving forward

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths". This is a very simple and meaningful qoutation made from the greatest animator in the world, Mr. Walt Disney. I first came upon this phrase was while I am watching the film Meet the Robinsons.

One of the scene's dialogue got to me which stated "you just focused on the bad stuff, when all you need to do is let go of the past and keep moving forward...". This phrase hit me and made me think, maybe the reason why I am always having a hard time with my life is because I am constantly stuck in the past. I always beat myself up on the past failures that I have made. I never really have forgiven myself for those failures hence, I never really did move on...

I tend to dwell on the things that happened and tend to think about them over and over again. This could be the reason why I never got anywhere because I am always running around in circles, this could also be the reason why I never made something out of myself.

This story actually teaches us about pain, disappoinments and failures and how to deal with them. Though it's a cartoon, one can actually pick up a lot of lessons in it. I used to be so afraid of failing when all I needed to do was to learn from those failures and just keep moving forward.

So now this is exactly what I am learning to do, I'm learning to let go of the past, learn from the lessons of yesterday and just keep moving forward so that I can open new doors that may lead to new opportunities. And looking forward to where my life's journey would eventually take me.

eye matters part 2

looking back from all that is happening, i can say that GOD's love is eternal. i have prayed for HIM to touch me with HIS healing hands and by HIS graces i was healed. it's been days now since i last felt the pain in my right eye. i also noticed that the redness and swelling is subsiding and my vision is slowly returning (praise be to GOD!). i can't wait to see the looks on my doctor's faces when they will see me this week. i am living proof that GOD's love is eternal.

i used to question and blame GOD for everything that has been happening in my life. i felt that HE has abandoned me. it took quite some time before i realized that GOD haven't abandoned me but it was the other way around. i totally refused to live according to HIS will and tried to make it on my own. i guess that all things happened for a reason, i am beginning to understand now that all that HE did was love.

GOD wanted me to learn my lessons in life so that i can be a better individual who lives according to HIS will and work according to HIS graces and glory. i was too busy and too pigheaded to notice HIM.

right now i am already starting my walk in life with GOD and the Lord Jesus Christ by my side. i now know that things would never be the same again as a whole new world has opened up to me. i now feel safe as i know that everything will be alright. i now believe in GOD's miracles as HE has performed one in me.

eye matters

one's eye is the window into his very being so we really need to take care of it. i was stupid enough not to remember that simple task and now i'm paying my price. it all started about two weeks ago when i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my right eye. i looked into the mirror and i noticed that it was really swollen and the whites have turned blood red. i quickly put some ice on it to help subside the swelling and i applied some eye drops that i have for that case (i have an inborn eye condition but that's another story...) and it subsided a little. as the days went by, i tried to self medicate with the usual arsenal of medications that i have that were prescribed to me for such cases. but i noticed that the swelling and pain did not go away and it even got worse...

i visited the doctor after almost a week to have my eye examined and he told me that i have 2 ulcerations in my cornea that is already severely infected and prescribed a barrage of antibiotics to fight those infections. he told me that the ulcerations may come from dust and other things that may have gotten into my eye a while back...

a while back, this could mean a couple of days, weeks or months ago. i should've paid more attention to what's happening to my body.

it has been two weeks since the start of the treatment and the vision in my right eye is severely impaired and is down to only 30 percent or less. the doctors are still agressively treating the infection with the usual antibiotics but the progress of healing is very slow as my condition is also complicated by my history of allergies and if there will be no changes or improvements that will be seen by next week, the doctors will start a whole new battery of medications that would include steriod therapy in order to fight of that nasty infection and save my eye...

all i can do now is hope and pray that a miracle will happen. the doctors told me that my eye can be saved but they're not sure for how long the treatment will last and what will be the extent of damage that the infection will have for that eye. but still at least i am not totally blind. somehow, i see that as a challenge for me to become stronger in dealing with pain. it might be a way for me to realize just how blessed i truly am... i know that GOD is with me and HE will help me through this. it's just a question of when...

stages

My recent experience in dealing with a love that's lost have brought me a lot of mixed emotions. Looking back, I could safely say that I went through the following stages:

1. Denial - I couldn't believe that she left me when I thought that our love was going to last forever. This is the hardest part of my mourning as I practically held on to a love that was no longer meant to be.

2. Anger - After the stage of denial, I was overcome with a terrible sense of anger, I was angry at her for not being patient enough, for not loving me enough, i was angry at God for letting this happen to the point of blaming Him, but I was mostly angry at myself for not being the perfect guy that she wanted me to be...

3. Grief - I finally let out all my emotions in a river of tears. Crying in a was seemed to help as it washed away all the anger and emotions that I am feeling at that very moment.

4. Reflection - I looked back to what once what and did a deep soul searching to find out what went wrong, I tried to seek the answers from her but she refused to communicate with me so what's the point. This is the time when I renewed old friendships as they served as my biggest mirror in life. This is also the time when I am slowly finding my way back to God.

5. Acceptance - I accepted my fate and the fact that she has walked out of my life. I also learned to count my blessings and this is the part where God has touched my heart. This is also the part that HE made me feel that HE loves me no matter who and what I was, am and will be...

6. Peace - I now raise and surrender everything that I was, am and will be to the will of the Lord. HE is now at the helm of my ship and I am finally finding peace and serenity and on my road to happiness.

7. Healing - I prayed to God to take away all my pain and His answer to me was "my son, I am forever with you, I am carrying you through your struggles and I have healed you of your pains..."

8. Moving on - My life is now in the hands of the Lord. I know that He will do what's best for me so I am slowly having faith. I know that in His time, everything will be alright, I will find true love, peace and happiness so all hope has not been lost. Blessed is the one who will have faith in HIM for he is truly GOD almighty. His promises are eternal and He will forever be by our side...

I now look forward to my walk in life as I know that I will never be alone from now on. I now know that GOD and Jesus Christ will be my constant companion giving me the strength to face whatever life my bring...

a new life...

Just went to church today after a very long time wholeheartedly... I just feel the need to talk to God in His home so I went to my nearest parish and poured my heart out. it is one experience that i could never forget because I haven't been really home in a very long time.

Going back to Christ has brought me a lot of mixed emotions but I was mostly afraid if He will accept me again and forgive all my sins, so for the first time in my life, I finally went back home to Christ. As I was pouring my heart out, I can feel his warm embrace welcoming me back home. I now know that life would never be the same again, a whole new world has opened up to me in more ways that one. I've finally found the peace and forgiveness that I've been looking for. It has been staring me at the face but I was too busy to notice.

God has touched my life yet again and he has brought me back from the dead... And thanks to His never ending love and grace, I am now born again. At last peace, true love and happiness is now within my reach.

change...

Spending time away from everything even for a day can truly change one's perspective on the things that are happening. I did just that when I went out of town to a place called Imus Cavite in the Philippines to spend time with a lifelong friend who I haven't gotten in touch with for a very long time. We got to talk about my recently failed relationship and he has always been a very big mirror to me...

My recent travel was about change and a chance to take a deeper look into my very soul... And it is also a way for me to gain a new perspective in life and what's been happening. I gained a lot of new insights during this trip.

I was actually feeling down and out for more than 2 weeks when that friend of mine invited me to his store out of town for me to have a change of scenery and we got to talk about the concept of change and acceptance for all that's been happening. It is a chance for me to do a little deep soul searching and try to make sense in everything...

I am just glad that there are others out there who really care for me. I'm still glad that I somehow still have my friends. And I'm glad that I manage to talk to this one as nobody knows me better that he does. At the end of the day, I am slowly finding peace and acceptance in all of this and now I am really ready to start learning to move on and live my life without her. Now I am ready to start picking up the pieces to start building a better life.

I just pray that I will one day find true love and happiness and I pray that if that day should come, I will finally be ready to embrace it with all my heart. As for the moment, I need to just learn to be content and play the cards I've been dealt with and turn all this around into something positive and productive.

I have now realized that the road to true peace and happiness should begin from within. All my life, I have been trying so hard to make other people happy so I can feel accepted never realizing that it is hurting me even more.

So now, a new chapter of my life is opening and I am looking forward to what this may bring. I know that God will be here to guide me as in a way, He never really did abandon me. I was just too stubborn to listen to His guidance. Maybe it's about time that I start to learn to listen...

The mourning after...

My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I have cried a river of tears, now is the time for me to start picking up the pieces and start learning to keep moving forward... I know it's not going to be easy but letting go is the only way. At least I have learned to love and was loved in return while it lasted...

I cried my ass off for two weeks and I've been practically doing nothing when she's out there not actually giving a damn. I just needed to make sure that I've learned from my mistakes so I could avoid doing it again and go on and live a better and happier life...

I would be lying if I will tell her that she'll not be missed as she will always be in my heart, she was, is and forever will be a very special part of me. The time to heal need to begin or I might dwell on this forever and never move on. Besides, misery is not all there is in life, as the saying goes, no use in crying over spilled milk over and over again...

Writting this blog is actually helping me a lot, in a way I am actually venting out my feelings and turning it into something constructive for a change... The time for mourning needs to be over and done with so the time for healing can finally begin, I just need to learn how to live my life again after all that's happened. I hope that I could gain back my strenght...

Epiphany

I now realize why I am having trouble in finding peace with all that's been happening to me. I was holding onto a past that's full of sadness and pain. I was really having trouble letting go... Maybe that is the reason why I am practically miserable with my life. During one of my reflections a while ago, I remembered the teachings of my ex during our happier days and she told me that the keys to true happiness is to learn from the mistakes of your past, let go of all the ugliness and just keep moving forward...

Keep moving forward, such simple words but full of meaning. I have forgotten those words that she spoke of till now. Maybe with the grace of God, I will find the strength to just keep on moving forward... and maybe someday, I will truly find the peace and inner healing that I am yearning for. As for now, my quest for a whole new life has finally begun...

internet

I still remember the good ol days when the word internet did not exist in my vocabulary. I remembered hanging out in the library during after school hours to do my research. Times have changed right now and information gathering is easily accessible via the information superhighway or the internet.

I remembered my very first internet connection, it's a very slow dial up modem (broadband was a thing of fiction then...). Things have changed now and I am already hooked up with a smoking 1mbps broadband connection. I know this may not be much, but it is more than enough bandwidth for me to really enjoy the capabilities of the internet like download those mp3 files at a much faster speed...

Looking back, I have to admit that this technology is really here to stay. It has changed so many lives and it has indeed brought people closer that ever. The world is indeed getting smaller, communicating with other people from other parts of the world became faster.

But this marvelous technology also came with a price, and it has fallen into the wrong hands and it's technology and the freedom of speech that it brought have been abused in more ways than one. But all in all, this technology have indeed touched our very lives and society and have in a way, made this world a better place to be in.

realizations

This is the first day that I am trying to find peace from all that's happened to me. And this is the 14th day that I'm trying to find the answers why this has to happen to me, why does she have to hurt me like this when all I ever did was love... Everything just came tumbling down on the day I lost my job. She just stopped caring and moved on so fast. Then I found out from her that she's already seeing another man and my instinct told me that she's seeing him even when we're still together. The most painful part in all this is that she left me in my darkest hour when I was right beside her when she's facing some of life's toughest challenges and I took care of her all through those times...

Maybe I'm just trying too hard to find the answers. I have asked her the questions but she wouldn't grant me the courtesy of being honest with me. She told me that I do not have the right to ask such questions anymore...

I really felt alone and abandoned through all of these which lead me to another question, is God really fair? Does he really love us like He promised? Where is HE when I needed him?

Looking back, my relationship with that girl was a rocky one from the start. And when I analysed things, it has almost always been kinda one-sided. My relationship with the Lord is also quite similar. I used to have a personal relationship with Him (well I think I used to...) when I was in highschool and during my early years in college. My youth has lead me to a lot of challenges that broke my heart in more ways that one which lead me to really question my faith and walk with HIM. I have to admit though that I am not what you might call a worthy christian after all... I also have my flaws which eventually lead me to completely ignore my faith in HIM.

Maybe the challenges that I'm facing right now is just a gentle reminder from HIM that I need to set my life straight again. I used to blame GOD for all that's happening to me but as I thought things through, I realised that GOD is not the cause of my misery... I made my own decisions that lead to my own mistakes and those mistakes are the ones that are hurting me and making me feel the way I am right now. I am slowly beginning to realise the kind of life that I lived is not the one that he wants me to do. I have been going head to head against HIS own will for me, maybe that is the reason why my life is spinning out of control right now. I wish I could see the bigger picture, I wish I could understand HIS plans for me, I am having a hard time in trusting, I am having a difficult time in believing... Maybe all that I needed to do is to start trusting HIS heart...

Lord, I surrender...

I give up, I don't want to fight anymore... I'm tired of all the things that been happening to me, I blame no one but myself and my past sins. Please take this pain and misery away from me and give me peace in my heart... Take my life and make it as your own... All I ask is for me to find peace... My life is spinning beyond my control, please guide me back Lord and your will be done...

despair

Everything just came tumbling down, first I lost my job, then my finances became tight, I am having a difficult time in making ends meet, I can't seem to find the right job, I became emotional because of all the challenges, me and my girlfriend argued a lot, then she left me for another man just when I needed her the most... What's the worst thing that could happen to me?

This has been a never ending cycle for me, everytime I fall in love, I always end up falling flat on my face. Maybe this just isn't the right time, but come to think of it, when will the right time be? Am I cursed to spend my lifetime in pain? Am I destined to spend my life alone? Why can't anybody just realize my worth?...

I am not a bad person to deserve all this pain and frustrations, all I ever did was love. I know I am not perfect and I know I have my flaws. But I also know that each and everyone of us are not perfect beings. We each have our own flaws specially in our character. But I have learned to overlook those flaws and loved her even more.

When will this stop hurting? When will the pain go away? This wounded warrior is already growing tired, this little boy is already loosing faith. This little man is almost loosing hope...

The wounds in my heart, mind and soul are still fresh. The pain is still here, I thought that I'd be happy, I thought that I'd grow old with her. I guess I was wrong, dead wrong.

All I ever really wanted was to be loved and accepted for what I really am inspite of all my imperfections. I am not an evil or bad person, so why am I always the one who's getting hurt?

questions in my heart

arrows shot through the heart
painfully tearing it apart.
the tears kept flowing
the pain kept on growing.
i'm so tired of fighting
so tired of hoping.

why does it have to be like this?
loving you was my only wish...

how could you go break my heart?
and kicked me hard when i'm already down.
how could you be so cold?
and just leave me with no promises kept?

don't you remember those days gone by?
where you promised your love will never die?
why did you have to go?
why do you hurt me so?

questions tearing in my heart,
questions why we're apart.
i guess i'll never truly know,
the answers to those questions in my heart...