cancer...

The news of the mother of a dear friend of mine having cancer made me remember my own experiences with my family's own battle with that dreaded and highly dilapidating disease.

My own father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a little over ten years ago and I was practically right beside fighting the battles with him since I received the news on that faithful summer day. I actually haven't taken him seriously when he jokingly told me that he was dying as he had cancer because my dad was always the joker.

The cancer has actually taken its toll on him and tried to take away his dignity as a person, but the strong fighter that he was, he never really gave up fighting till the very end. He was actually the source of strength of our family during those trying times.

Not only has it taken its toll on him as a person, it has also taken its toll on us as a family. But somehow, our family has bonded together stronger than ever. Looking back made me realize what we've actually been through. And it made me realize how lucky we are to have such a strong and loving family.

It's almost ten years now since my father passed away and not a day has gone by that he wasn't missed. A lot has happened since that one fateful day. He was loved, he is loved and he is truly missed. My one greatest regret is that he never lived to see his four beautiful grandchild and he will also never get to see my kids when my turn will come to have a family of my own...

fate / faith ( a reflection )

The past few weeks have brought me a lot of things to question my trust in faith. Faith in a person, faith in my destiny, even my faith in the one that is the father of all creations. It all started to spiral downward that one faithful April morning when I left my old place of occupation and haven't been able to seek decent employment ever since...

Those months and weeks were the hardest for me and it really began to take its toll in my entire well-being. I am so stressed right now from all that has happened. And to make things worst, my eye allergies kept acting up and my right eye showed some retinal ulcerations.

The person I truly loved left me, my finances are tight, my eye hurts like hell, I am having trouble in finding the right career path, how low can someone get?... What's the worst thing that could happen to me right now? I feel as if that life is playing a really sick joke on me, or is it?...

I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe I'm just too busy whinning about my losses that I forgot to sit down and ponder why... And maybe, I'm just too busy blaming someone else for my misery that I forgot to think that maybe, I am also one to blame?...

Fate and destiny have brought me a lot of things and I should really feel blessed because I'm still alive. Maybe I just failed to see the bigger picture, I may be missing the bigger purpose of things...

This could be the perfect time to ponder and to try to find myself and let this wounded warrior heal...

making things right

I know it's my fault this has to happen. Everybody have their flaws and I too admit that I have a ton of them. What hurts me the most is that you have left me without a speck of closure. What's killing me is that I never knew the reasons why...

All I ever wanted was to spend my life with you and I honestly still do... I know my flaws and I will work hard on it to make things right. If not for you then at least I'll do it just for me.

I still pray that the day will come and our paths will cross again, I still pray for the day that I'd still be by your side...

I want to be worthy of your love, but you honestly just can't see my worth. But who can blame you when things just kept happening so damn fast. I do have plans of making something out of myself. All I ever wanted was to give you the life that you deserved. I am not a complete bum who just sit down and to nothing to make things right again.

I just pray that I would be given that chance, a chance to make something out of myself, a chance to improve on my well being. I am slowly taking those steps right now but I know that time is no longer completely on my side...

I have a little bit over a year to improve on my physical well-being as well as reach my financial stability. I know of your plans to want to get married by the age of 27... I just hope that I will make it in time, and I just hope that I will be able to win your heart back again... I hope that I could make things right that time around...

cellphones

I remember the good ol day when I'm finally working on a career and got enough money to buy my own mobile phone. I hurriedly went to the shop and purchased one, it was actually an old model nokia 2100 which was actually bulky. It was one of those first generation gsm phones. It has been more than 10 years since I've been using a mobile phone and it got me thinking, is a mode of communication that allows for easy access really makes life easier?...

True, you would be able to stay in touch with your business contacts and other people that really mattered to your life. But like all things, being easily accessible have come with a price. People are now suddenly too accessible and too connected that they may have lost that private "me" moment. We are constantly on the go, living out a fast paced and busy life, but have we remembered to slow down every once in a while?

Having such a mode of communication have also made us forget how to really reach out and touch someone. People are now communicating by text messages and phone calls even when they're just right across from one another.

And privacy is also beginning to be another issue since you are easily reacheable, you are also easily targetted by those pesky telemarketers (no offense guys) who would call in the worst of times to ask if you want to buy a tube of metal polish...

All in all, acquiring such a technology both have its ups and downs and I have to admit that it is here to stay and will always be a part of our daily lives. Let's just not forget the simple joys of slowing down once in a while so we can also enjoy and appreciate the simpler things in life...

milkshake

What went wrong?

This question has been playing and going in my mind since the day you said goodbye to me. I really thought that you and I are gonna be together for the rest of our lives. It would be nice to grow old and start a family with you someday (and so I thought...). The two of us have our share of ups and downs during our relationship that lasted for more than 2 years and I really would've worked harder to make it last longer than a lifetime. What happened just kept on playing in my head. I still couldn't believe that it is all over and done with. I still couldn't accept that you've had a change of heart...

I know I have my flaws (who doesn't) but I am working hard to correct them and all I needed was some time and a little more understanding. There are reasons why you had to say goodbye and I really wish that you'd tell me what those reasons are... I know that a lot of people in your family does not want us to be together for they feel that I am not worth your while. I am really trying hard to make something out of myself but my plans just kept on crashing down...

These past few week had brought me hell and I know that I need to stand up and start living my life again. I know that life isn't fair (it never was...), and I know that all I ever did was love. I also know that loosers always whine and cry over their spilled bucket of milk. Might as well as learn how to make milkshake...

Deep down inside, I have an idea why you left me in the first place. I know you want a thin, goodlooking, and rich chinese guy (and I am the exact opposite of what you wanted), and I know that I am not what you and your family are looking for. And I also know that your family is also secretly against your having a relationship with me. What pains me the most is that you've given up so easily when I could've been with you till the end.

I fought so hard to make this work even if I was left fighting the battles all alone. I was hurt and I was down... My life had shattered, my heart stopped beating the day you said goodbye...

I still wanna believe that there's a reason behind all of these. I still wanna believe in a silver lining...

But at least I gained some wisdom in what has happened. I don't wanna feel angry, for how can you be angry towards the one that you hold so dear? All I can do now is wish you well and hope that life would still be kind to you. Inspite of all the pain, I still feel no bitterness towards you or your family as I understand that you just wanted the best that life has to offer...

All I can do now is work even smarter, strive even harder to improve on my life and myself. And when the winds of fate would cross our paths again, I hope that I can hold my head up high and show you that I've turned that spilled bucket of milk into a very yummy milkshake...

why...

why is forgeting so easy for other people in a relationship when they too might have invested in it specially if the relationship have lasted this long?
why is it easier for other people to treat others for granted when they say or claimed that they truly loved that person?
why is it easier for other people to hurt the ones that they supposedly loved?
why is it that they expect it that it would not be hard on you?
why is it that they expect you to easily move on and forget them too when we are all but only human?
how i wish that there's a button that i can push to turn off all these pain, a switch that i can pull to make it stop hurting so...

why i'm fat...

my recent break-up with the girl that i really loved and want to spend my life with made me think... it was her number one obsession to make me thinner and it was also her number one disappointment (could be one of the reason why she left me...)

the reason why i'm fat is because food has always been my outlet. i eat because i'm unhappy, and i'm unhappy because i eat. this has always been a vicious cycle. whenever i have a problem or whenever i came upon a challenge, i always turn to food as my source of comfort.

maybe this really need to change as i am already a 220lb slob who's overweight by at least 60 pounds... i really need to change the way i think and get in touch with my inner core...

i need to find a way to heal... and a way to improve myself... to show the world who i really am...

a broken heart...

It's so hard when someone you really cared about and loved said goodbye. It's even harder when she just suddenly stopped caring and stopped loving.
Why do people's feelings suddenly change overnight? It's even harder because she's not even affected with what has happened to our relationship...

How can somebody be that cold? All I ever did was to love her with all my heart. I have invested way too much in that relationship hoping that it will last forever.
I really thought that it would be the two of us, I really thought that I would spend my life and grow old with her... I was so ready to give her my name... I already laid out the plans on how we would spend our lives together...

Then disaster struck, I was out of the job, the money is not coming in anymore so my finances became tight. Everything became emotional as I am going through a very difficult time so we fought and argued quite a lot.

All I was asking was a little patience and understanding but she couldn't give me that. She slowly started to reject and turned cold on me the day I lost my job...
Then it happened, she told me that she's calling it off for awhile one Friday night saying that she needed to think things through, we got into an arguement because I refused to give up and she called it quits.

I just wanted to fight for her but she already made up her mind. She wasn't even sad that this has to end. How can anybody be so cold? How couldn't she be affected when our relationship lasted for more than 2 long years?

I thought that I was the one as she told me before that I am the one that she'd like to grow old with. She promised me forever... She promised to stay with me through thick and thin... But I guess people do change...

I just need to not listen to any promises anymore so that I could avoid a shitload of pain again... I just don't know how I can get thru all of these. I am in so much pain right now and I still can't stop thinking about her when she's no longer giving me even a single thought.

How I wish that I can turn back time to make things right. How I would give to spend even a single moment with her again... A part of me had died the day she said goodbye...

Why

Here I am hurting and bleeding (so what else is new?) and thinking out loud again...
Why do I always end up falling flat on my face each and everytime I start to really care and be in love with someone?
Why do I always end up getting burned? Why do people always end up leaving me?
Why do they always end up huring me in more ways than one? Always the same questions but never finding the answers...
Am I a bad person? Do I really deserve all this crap that I am getting? All I ever did was love... All I ever wanted was to be loved in return...
The practice of romanticism died when my heart stopped beating. I gave away my heart and it ended up being broken...
A part of me is already missing, a part of me has died, the day she said goodbye...

Darkness

Arrows shot straight thru my heart.
Constantly bleeding and never ever healing.
The world so dark and not a light in sight.
I feel so cold, so alone...
How I wish I'm made of stone...