realizations

This is the first day that I am trying to find peace from all that's happened to me. And this is the 14th day that I'm trying to find the answers why this has to happen to me, why does she have to hurt me like this when all I ever did was love... Everything just came tumbling down on the day I lost my job. She just stopped caring and moved on so fast. Then I found out from her that she's already seeing another man and my instinct told me that she's seeing him even when we're still together. The most painful part in all this is that she left me in my darkest hour when I was right beside her when she's facing some of life's toughest challenges and I took care of her all through those times...

Maybe I'm just trying too hard to find the answers. I have asked her the questions but she wouldn't grant me the courtesy of being honest with me. She told me that I do not have the right to ask such questions anymore...

I really felt alone and abandoned through all of these which lead me to another question, is God really fair? Does he really love us like He promised? Where is HE when I needed him?

Looking back, my relationship with that girl was a rocky one from the start. And when I analysed things, it has almost always been kinda one-sided. My relationship with the Lord is also quite similar. I used to have a personal relationship with Him (well I think I used to...) when I was in highschool and during my early years in college. My youth has lead me to a lot of challenges that broke my heart in more ways that one which lead me to really question my faith and walk with HIM. I have to admit though that I am not what you might call a worthy christian after all... I also have my flaws which eventually lead me to completely ignore my faith in HIM.

Maybe the challenges that I'm facing right now is just a gentle reminder from HIM that I need to set my life straight again. I used to blame GOD for all that's happening to me but as I thought things through, I realised that GOD is not the cause of my misery... I made my own decisions that lead to my own mistakes and those mistakes are the ones that are hurting me and making me feel the way I am right now. I am slowly beginning to realise the kind of life that I lived is not the one that he wants me to do. I have been going head to head against HIS own will for me, maybe that is the reason why my life is spinning out of control right now. I wish I could see the bigger picture, I wish I could understand HIS plans for me, I am having a hard time in trusting, I am having a difficult time in believing... Maybe all that I needed to do is to start trusting HIS heart...