one fateful september... a life's journey and testimony

My life is a never ending roller coaster ride with its share of ups and downs. Looking back to how my life was and where it is leading and how I found grace and faith in our Lord Jesus Christ made me thankful to be alive. This is a story and a testimony of how my faith came to be. My life was filled with darkness and now I am slowly coming into the light and doing God's work and obeying HIS will but I admit that I am still a continuous work in progress...

My childhood days were filled with wonder and curiosity but it was mostly filled with loneliness. I was already exposed to a lot of discrimination early on in my childhood as people see me as someone weird. Other kids refused to play with me and called me names, they told me that they don't want to play with a "mongoloid". People judged me early on with what I look like and never bothered to spend time to know the real me. I already learned to make do with the cards that I'm dealt with early on in life, so what I did was I adjusted and I learned to be contented in just sitting at a corner while watching other kids play with their friends. This is the time when my imagination became apparent as I learned to play by myself and making up stories and adventures during those times that I am playing alone. This is also the time that I learned to take refuge in food.

During my later days in elementary school, I managed to heard of Christianity and I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and saviour but my faith haven't actually been fruitful and there was no growth because I didn't take things seriously then. On my high school years I did everything that I can to try and please everybody because I was desperately trying to fit in. This was the time that I forged some friendship which lead me to learn how to smoke. My grades started to dwindle so I eventually need to break free from those bad influences. I was the butt of a lot of bad jokes and pranks during those times because of my desperation. I was an "errand boy" to a lot of my classmates hoping that they would accept my friendship.

Puppy love was also out of the question as no girl in my school wanted to "go out" with the likes of me so I've been rejected and burned for a lot of times. My sadness and loneliness was still there and I felt that my life was really empty. Sure, I have my share of friends but they would rather spend time with their other peers than to be a friend to me. It was only now that their friendship was tested. It was during my high school days that I dabbled into sports and I liked the feeling of glory that it was giving me so I became extremely competitive but still, I felt that something was missing...

My college and adult life was also like that. My faith and belief in GOD was completely gone and I officially became an atheist during those times. I learned to question the existence of GOD during those times when my father was afflicted with cancer. My thoughts then about HIM was where were YOU in all of these? I turned my attention in slowly building my career in the non-life insurance field and I was considered as one of the best in the field. But being the best was not as sweet as it was cut out to be. My life is still filled with sadness and loneliness. I tried to look for romance but I was turned down one after another. Rejection for me has always been a constant companion, I learned to accept rejection earlier in life. Since I am already making some money, I turned to other things to make me happy.

This is the time when I learned to turn to sexual immorality with prostitutes, one night stands or sexual meet ups and drinking to make me happy. This is the time when I am slowly becoming addicted to sex. I was looking for love and acceptance and I was looking in the wrong places. I had a lot of so called friends then because I had money. Little did I knew then that I was actually slowly digging a very deep pit to bury myself in.

I thought I've found love when I had my first real girlfriend in 2003, our relationship lasted only for about 11 months. I thought wrong because she never really loved me that much so after being business partners with her, she left me holding the tab to pay off our debts when our business failed. It was during this time that my faith and trust in people are begining to dwindle as my life was also filled with a lot of people who actually betrayed me. All I ever really wanted was to be loved, accepted and understood.

I had to look for another job and my journey landed me in the corporate servicing team of American Express. Again, I was at the top of my game but I still feel sad, lonely and empty so my vices and sexual addiction still fueled me. It was during this time that I met my second girlfriend. I thought that she was the one that I was supposed to spend my life with. My drinking habits have been curved and I also stopped going to girly bars and nightclubs and having one night stands or sexual meet ups or booty calls. I turned my sexual energy towards her and we had a relationship based on love, lust and sex. I experienced happiness in her and a lot of things had also changed in my personality but then disaster struct.

I was out of the job on the later part of our relationship and am having difficulty in finding a decent paying job so that I can eventually support her once our marriage plans pushed through. Money was no longer coming in, the bills are no longer getting paid on time and times are getting a lot harder. It was during this times that we began to fight a lot. I was disappointed with what was happening to my life and she was constantly nagging me and telling me that she don't want to be the one supporting me if we got married. So she got tired of it all and she eventually turned her back on me. I was devastated because I have finally lost everything. My life just totally spun out of control. I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that happened to me. The sadness, loneliness and pain that I felt was so unbearable that I really contemplated to commit suicide and take my own life.

It was during this time that I reflected on my life's journey and through the help of my lifelong friend, realized that maybe GOD just wanted me to shut up and listen to HIM for a change. So I went to church one fateful day in September and I prayed and asked for HIS forgiveness and accepted HIS son Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour. For the first time in my life, my heart no longer felt empty. I have already found what I'm looking for. I found love, acceptance and understanding in the grace of GOD.

I cannot say that I am a perfect or worthy Christian because I know that I have my hands full. My sexual addiction is slowly being severed by HIS graces. My smoking habits are slowly dwindling as I am already down to a few sticks a day when I used to smoke at least a pack daily. I am also slowly begining to control my bad temper and I am also able to avoid cursing or cussing in every sentence that I spoke or written of. I know that I have a long way to go before I can be sanctified but I know that GOD and the HOLY Spirit is slowly working in me. Molding, shaping, refining, healing, and purifying me so that I can work for God's glory. And I believe that my life will one day tell the story of my Lord Jesus Christ. As of now, I will have faith in GOD's plans and promises and I will do my best to do HIS work and HIS will.

I hope that my story will inspire change in those that feel that their lives are empty. Contentment can be found through GOD and our Lord Jesus Christ. All we need to do is ask and we shall recieve, seek and we shall find HIM in all HIS love and glory. HE can forgive a sinner like me so I know that HE can also forgive all the sins of everybody. Love, joy and happiness is but a simple prayer away, all you need to do is ask GOD for the forgiveness of your sins and accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and saviour.

I found peace in knowing that I am saved, I found joy in knowing that I am loved. It is by HIS graces that I am still here. I know that my life and my work has just began.

persecution, an eye opener

Today's church service was a very interesting one because we tackled the widespread persecution of Christians throughout the world. I couldn't believe that this is still happening even in modern times. A lot of our Christian brothers and sisters are still facing a ton of difficulties specially in the Muslim countries. I still couldn't believe that even their governments are also persecuting my fellow Christians. Many of them are imprisoned, tortured, beaten, put to shame and even killed to try to extinguish their faith.

I now realized how lucky I am to live in a country where Christianity is actually encouraged. But to be honest, I am really concerned and deeply troubled with what is happening around us. I pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ will be strong in their faith, and I also pray that God will find a way for them to still spread the gospel to those that may not even know our Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that the light will not be overcome by the darkness...

a life changing prayer

Take me out of the dark
By: Gary Valenciano

Just what is it in me
Sometimes I just don’t know
What keeps me in your love
Why you never let me go
And though you’re in me now
I fall and hurt you still
My Lord, please show me how
To know just how you feel
You have forgiven me
Too many times, it seems
I feel I’m not what you might call
A worthy Christian after all
And though I love you so
Temptation find its way to me

[chorus]

Teach me to trust in you with all of my heart
To lean not on my own understanding
‘Cause I just forget
You won’t give me what I can’t bear
Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don’t wanna be there
No, no, no more

You’ve never left my side
You gave your hand to me
To hold you, Oh Jesus,
I’m no longer in the cold
And yet, I leave you there
When I feel satisfied
I’d like to thank you everyday
Not only when I feel this way

I’ve never known a man who’d give his life
For sinners like me
And yet because he loves us so
He’s promised us eternity
And we can have that promise and be His
If we have faith and just believe

[chorus]

Teach us to trust in you with all of our heart
To lean not on our own understanding
‘Cause we just forget
You won’t give us what we can’t bear
Take us out of the dark, my Lord
‘Coz we don’t wanna be alone
Take us out of the dark, my Lord
We don’t wanna be there
No, no, my Lord


This song has actually been my prayer of repentance and acceptance. I was never a good christian and I have totally abandoned GOD during my younger days to the point of totally loosing faith and not believing in HIS existence. And yet HE is still there holding HIS hand to me, always ready to forgive me for all my sins even though I have left HIM in the cold for far too many times. I wept when I heard this song as I truly repented for all of my sins and really accepted Christ into my heart and my life. Thanks to GOD's never ending graces, I am now saved and my sins and impurities are cleansed by the blood of my Lord Jesus Christ. I just want to praise and serve HIM now. I pray that GOD may use me to be a witness and testimony to HIS graces. I admit that I am still a work in progress and my road will be long, hard and narrow but I welcome this journey as I know that it will bring me closer to GOD and to Christ. I pray that my life will eventually reflect the life and love of our Lord Jesus Christ.

a new family

October 26, 2008 was the 29th year founding anniversary of our church. they threw a welcoming party to the newcomers for the year and i was one of them. i really thanked the Lord for providing me with a supportive christian family. i hope that my christian faith would grow inspite of all my weaknesses and temptations. i just pray that God would forgive me for all of my sins and weaknesses and i also pray that HE will give me strength to overcome them. and i also pray that HE would help me to overcome the powers of the enemy so that my faith will finally grow... to all the christians who may read this blog please pray for me as i am still fighting my battles against the enemy from within but i know that i may one day be victorious as GOD is on my side...

a start of something new

My current walk with the Lord Jesus Christ have opened plenty of doors for me. I thought that I would be lonely and I was really afraid of walking this earth alone. I guess God has a way of working things out for the best. HE has in a way pointed me to the right direction. I am now a member of a good church who provides genuine support and encouragement for those who are just starting to grow in their christian faith. This same church have opened doors to new friendship that may be forged as time goes by. I guess that I never really have anything to be afraid of now that God is in full control of my life. My heart is now filled with joy, I am now learning to be contented with what I have and I am now trusting my life fully to the Lord Jesus Christ. HE is now the captain of my ship, and the master of my fate.

I now understand that God do have a plan for each and everyone of us and I am really looking forward to what His plans are for me. For once in my life, I am really excited as to what tomorrow may bring. I no longer have any moments of hesitation, the fear in my heart is already fading. All I have right now is trust, faith and love. I guess that's all I'll ever need as I know that God will provide for all things as He has provided for all other living creatures. What a joyous life this will be!!! Praise be to GOD!

a broken spirit...

Looking back on the things that recently happened in my life made me ask a lot of questions. My life was starting to look up a couple of years back and I was slowly managing to get back on my feet from my challenges then. I met the girl of my dreams, I got a nice and above-average paying job at one of the world's largest financial institutions and I was living my dream. That success of mine made me forgot about God. Well in a way, I have been a free thinker or an athiest for more than ten years now.

I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and one thing slowly led to another. I guess we all need to live with the consequences of our actions for everybody will be held accountable for in the end. My life was filled with pride so God slowly took away everything that mattered to me. I lost my job last April and had a difficult time in finding a new one since the economy nowadays are really bad. My savings are slowly diminishing because of the unemployment, the bills are slowly piling up and I am really falling deep into debt. To make matters worse, my girlfriend and I begun fighting a lot because I felt rejected, abandoned and taken for granted and I am just calling out for help (not financially), patience and understanding but she wouldn't listen. She finally left me on one fateful day in September. Just when I thought that nothing worse will happen, it did and i almost lost my right eye to a nasty infection.

I was in a state of desperation as I felt that no one can sink any lower that I have. I've lost my spirit and my will to live. The thought of suicide has been constantly creeping into my mind and I almost did give in to that thought. My heart and spirit was broken into a million pieces and I didn't know what to do. I got no one to turn to... I felt that I've lost everything... I even reached a point where I became angry and blamed GOD for everything that's been happening to me.

I tried to call out to my friends for help but they were all busy with their lives now so I really never expected them to heed my call. Then one Saturday morning, I recieved a call from my lifelong friend and he invited me to his place out of the metro. It was during that time that I did a lot of soul searching. I remembered asking him if I am a bad or evil person to deserve what I've been going through. His reply was, "no you're not a bad or evil person. You're just someone who've made a lot of bad choices in life. Maybe it's about time that you start to listen in your heart as to what God is trying to tell you?".

I meditated and pondered on what we've talked about and something has pushed me to go to church that Sunday morning. I went there a little bit late so the second service is already over. I just sat quietly in a corner and I poured my heart out to God. I am already tired of fighting, tired of living, tired of running around in circles, tired of hurting. I wept and I prayed and asked for God to forgive me and accept me back into His arms. I also told Him that I am accepting His son, Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and saviour again. My life is His to live now and may His will be done. I felt the love of the Lord instantly and I felt His warm embrace welcoming me back home. His only question was, "what took you so long?".

I know realize God's purpose with what has happened to me. He needs me crushed and broken in spirit and in my heart so that he can make me whole again so I can serve Him better (Psalms 51:14 - 17). He gave me Ann so that He can teach me a lesson about love, humility and about letting go and moving forward. He gave me my infection so I can learn the power of His love and that miracles do come true. I was worried about what my future may bring so He gave me peace (Matthew 6:25 - 34). I was weary and He gave me refuge (Matthew 11:28).

So now I finally understand that everything has a reason for happening. All I need to do is to trust in the Lord and He will guide my way. Praise be to God!

storm's passing

i just underwent a ton of trials for the past few months which almost ruined me. i lost faith in a lot of things including love and people. those whom i thought that truly cared and loved me left me in my darkest hour, i practically lost everything and when i thought that things could never get worse, it did and i almost lost my right eye to an infection.

i was in a state of depression and hopelessness and i thought that things will never look up again. i did a lot of soul searching to try and look for some answers and all it took was to renew my faith in GOD. HE was just waiting for me to repent from my sins, surrender my life to HIM and let HIM take control of everything.

i almost stopped believing in miracles, i have actually stopped having faith in GOD when all of these things happened. i couldn't take it anymore and i almost took my own life. i was in a state of desperation when i decided to call the 700 club hotline because i needed help and i needed someone to talk to. this opened the way for me to return home to Jesus and restore my faith in GOD.

i went to church that sunday morning and i poured my heart out to HIM and he hugged me and welcome me back home. since then my life was never the same again. it was the start of something new for me. for the first time in my life, i finally felt the love of GOD. HE began to work HIS miracles in me by giving me peace. HE then took away my pains, healed my eyes and is continually blessing me. thanks to HIS graces i am now slowly standing back on my feet.

GOD is guiding me right now and pointing me to the right direction, i now trust HIM with all my heart and my praises for HIM is beyond measure. HE has provided a way for me to become productive again by giving me a job so that i could start helping out my family and so that i could start paying my bills and debts. i will be eternally greatful to HIM for HE made me believe that miracles do happen, that all is not yet lost. now i believe that everything will be ok because i now have Jesus Christ in my heart and GOD by my side... my life has finally begun.

rooms

"Life is a series of rooms, and who we end up stuck in that room with adds up to what our lives are..." - house m.d. the tv show

I am watching the third season of House M.D. and this episode about a rape victim becoming pregnant and refusing to terminat got to me. The sanctity of life is really a touchy matter to begin with, but what really got to me is what the above mentioned phrase meant.

I pondered on it for a while and this phrase holds true in each and everyone of us. Our lives are really a series of rooms and chapters and what we've done and who we're with really adds up to how are lives are. This is about making a difference and touching other peoples hearts and lives so that we could all be remembered in the end.

One of my greatest fears was to grow old and die alone and miserable. I somehow felt that I havent' done enough to be remembered, that I haven't done enough to make a difference. I know I did my best to make a difference and touch other peoples lives, but is my best really good enough?

I have my share of disagreements and misunderstandings with a lot of people and all the while I thought that they are the ones who don't understand me. Looking back made me realize that how can they understand me when I don't even understand myself?...

I have spent too many a chapter of my life with different sorts of people but each of them have moved on with their lives now and somehow, I don't feel that I have in a way made any difference in their lives for me to be remembered. I somehow feel forgotten and taken for granted for far too many times.

Maybe I was just too busy trying to please everybody that I actually ended up pleasing no one including myself? Or maybe, I was wrong and I did touched their lives and made a difference and I might be remembered after all...

keep moving forward

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths". This is a very simple and meaningful qoutation made from the greatest animator in the world, Mr. Walt Disney. I first came upon this phrase was while I am watching the film Meet the Robinsons.

One of the scene's dialogue got to me which stated "you just focused on the bad stuff, when all you need to do is let go of the past and keep moving forward...". This phrase hit me and made me think, maybe the reason why I am always having a hard time with my life is because I am constantly stuck in the past. I always beat myself up on the past failures that I have made. I never really have forgiven myself for those failures hence, I never really did move on...

I tend to dwell on the things that happened and tend to think about them over and over again. This could be the reason why I never got anywhere because I am always running around in circles, this could also be the reason why I never made something out of myself.

This story actually teaches us about pain, disappoinments and failures and how to deal with them. Though it's a cartoon, one can actually pick up a lot of lessons in it. I used to be so afraid of failing when all I needed to do was to learn from those failures and just keep moving forward.

So now this is exactly what I am learning to do, I'm learning to let go of the past, learn from the lessons of yesterday and just keep moving forward so that I can open new doors that may lead to new opportunities. And looking forward to where my life's journey would eventually take me.

eye matters part 2

looking back from all that is happening, i can say that GOD's love is eternal. i have prayed for HIM to touch me with HIS healing hands and by HIS graces i was healed. it's been days now since i last felt the pain in my right eye. i also noticed that the redness and swelling is subsiding and my vision is slowly returning (praise be to GOD!). i can't wait to see the looks on my doctor's faces when they will see me this week. i am living proof that GOD's love is eternal.

i used to question and blame GOD for everything that has been happening in my life. i felt that HE has abandoned me. it took quite some time before i realized that GOD haven't abandoned me but it was the other way around. i totally refused to live according to HIS will and tried to make it on my own. i guess that all things happened for a reason, i am beginning to understand now that all that HE did was love.

GOD wanted me to learn my lessons in life so that i can be a better individual who lives according to HIS will and work according to HIS graces and glory. i was too busy and too pigheaded to notice HIM.

right now i am already starting my walk in life with GOD and the Lord Jesus Christ by my side. i now know that things would never be the same again as a whole new world has opened up to me. i now feel safe as i know that everything will be alright. i now believe in GOD's miracles as HE has performed one in me.

eye matters

one's eye is the window into his very being so we really need to take care of it. i was stupid enough not to remember that simple task and now i'm paying my price. it all started about two weeks ago when i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my right eye. i looked into the mirror and i noticed that it was really swollen and the whites have turned blood red. i quickly put some ice on it to help subside the swelling and i applied some eye drops that i have for that case (i have an inborn eye condition but that's another story...) and it subsided a little. as the days went by, i tried to self medicate with the usual arsenal of medications that i have that were prescribed to me for such cases. but i noticed that the swelling and pain did not go away and it even got worse...

i visited the doctor after almost a week to have my eye examined and he told me that i have 2 ulcerations in my cornea that is already severely infected and prescribed a barrage of antibiotics to fight those infections. he told me that the ulcerations may come from dust and other things that may have gotten into my eye a while back...

a while back, this could mean a couple of days, weeks or months ago. i should've paid more attention to what's happening to my body.

it has been two weeks since the start of the treatment and the vision in my right eye is severely impaired and is down to only 30 percent or less. the doctors are still agressively treating the infection with the usual antibiotics but the progress of healing is very slow as my condition is also complicated by my history of allergies and if there will be no changes or improvements that will be seen by next week, the doctors will start a whole new battery of medications that would include steriod therapy in order to fight of that nasty infection and save my eye...

all i can do now is hope and pray that a miracle will happen. the doctors told me that my eye can be saved but they're not sure for how long the treatment will last and what will be the extent of damage that the infection will have for that eye. but still at least i am not totally blind. somehow, i see that as a challenge for me to become stronger in dealing with pain. it might be a way for me to realize just how blessed i truly am... i know that GOD is with me and HE will help me through this. it's just a question of when...

stages

My recent experience in dealing with a love that's lost have brought me a lot of mixed emotions. Looking back, I could safely say that I went through the following stages:

1. Denial - I couldn't believe that she left me when I thought that our love was going to last forever. This is the hardest part of my mourning as I practically held on to a love that was no longer meant to be.

2. Anger - After the stage of denial, I was overcome with a terrible sense of anger, I was angry at her for not being patient enough, for not loving me enough, i was angry at God for letting this happen to the point of blaming Him, but I was mostly angry at myself for not being the perfect guy that she wanted me to be...

3. Grief - I finally let out all my emotions in a river of tears. Crying in a was seemed to help as it washed away all the anger and emotions that I am feeling at that very moment.

4. Reflection - I looked back to what once what and did a deep soul searching to find out what went wrong, I tried to seek the answers from her but she refused to communicate with me so what's the point. This is the time when I renewed old friendships as they served as my biggest mirror in life. This is also the time when I am slowly finding my way back to God.

5. Acceptance - I accepted my fate and the fact that she has walked out of my life. I also learned to count my blessings and this is the part where God has touched my heart. This is also the part that HE made me feel that HE loves me no matter who and what I was, am and will be...

6. Peace - I now raise and surrender everything that I was, am and will be to the will of the Lord. HE is now at the helm of my ship and I am finally finding peace and serenity and on my road to happiness.

7. Healing - I prayed to God to take away all my pain and His answer to me was "my son, I am forever with you, I am carrying you through your struggles and I have healed you of your pains..."

8. Moving on - My life is now in the hands of the Lord. I know that He will do what's best for me so I am slowly having faith. I know that in His time, everything will be alright, I will find true love, peace and happiness so all hope has not been lost. Blessed is the one who will have faith in HIM for he is truly GOD almighty. His promises are eternal and He will forever be by our side...

I now look forward to my walk in life as I know that I will never be alone from now on. I now know that GOD and Jesus Christ will be my constant companion giving me the strength to face whatever life my bring...

a new life...

Just went to church today after a very long time wholeheartedly... I just feel the need to talk to God in His home so I went to my nearest parish and poured my heart out. it is one experience that i could never forget because I haven't been really home in a very long time.

Going back to Christ has brought me a lot of mixed emotions but I was mostly afraid if He will accept me again and forgive all my sins, so for the first time in my life, I finally went back home to Christ. As I was pouring my heart out, I can feel his warm embrace welcoming me back home. I now know that life would never be the same again, a whole new world has opened up to me in more ways that one. I've finally found the peace and forgiveness that I've been looking for. It has been staring me at the face but I was too busy to notice.

God has touched my life yet again and he has brought me back from the dead... And thanks to His never ending love and grace, I am now born again. At last peace, true love and happiness is now within my reach.

change...

Spending time away from everything even for a day can truly change one's perspective on the things that are happening. I did just that when I went out of town to a place called Imus Cavite in the Philippines to spend time with a lifelong friend who I haven't gotten in touch with for a very long time. We got to talk about my recently failed relationship and he has always been a very big mirror to me...

My recent travel was about change and a chance to take a deeper look into my very soul... And it is also a way for me to gain a new perspective in life and what's been happening. I gained a lot of new insights during this trip.

I was actually feeling down and out for more than 2 weeks when that friend of mine invited me to his store out of town for me to have a change of scenery and we got to talk about the concept of change and acceptance for all that's been happening. It is a chance for me to do a little deep soul searching and try to make sense in everything...

I am just glad that there are others out there who really care for me. I'm still glad that I somehow still have my friends. And I'm glad that I manage to talk to this one as nobody knows me better that he does. At the end of the day, I am slowly finding peace and acceptance in all of this and now I am really ready to start learning to move on and live my life without her. Now I am ready to start picking up the pieces to start building a better life.

I just pray that I will one day find true love and happiness and I pray that if that day should come, I will finally be ready to embrace it with all my heart. As for the moment, I need to just learn to be content and play the cards I've been dealt with and turn all this around into something positive and productive.

I have now realized that the road to true peace and happiness should begin from within. All my life, I have been trying so hard to make other people happy so I can feel accepted never realizing that it is hurting me even more.

So now, a new chapter of my life is opening and I am looking forward to what this may bring. I know that God will be here to guide me as in a way, He never really did abandon me. I was just too stubborn to listen to His guidance. Maybe it's about time that I start to learn to listen...

The mourning after...

My heart has been broken into a million pieces and I have cried a river of tears, now is the time for me to start picking up the pieces and start learning to keep moving forward... I know it's not going to be easy but letting go is the only way. At least I have learned to love and was loved in return while it lasted...

I cried my ass off for two weeks and I've been practically doing nothing when she's out there not actually giving a damn. I just needed to make sure that I've learned from my mistakes so I could avoid doing it again and go on and live a better and happier life...

I would be lying if I will tell her that she'll not be missed as she will always be in my heart, she was, is and forever will be a very special part of me. The time to heal need to begin or I might dwell on this forever and never move on. Besides, misery is not all there is in life, as the saying goes, no use in crying over spilled milk over and over again...

Writting this blog is actually helping me a lot, in a way I am actually venting out my feelings and turning it into something constructive for a change... The time for mourning needs to be over and done with so the time for healing can finally begin, I just need to learn how to live my life again after all that's happened. I hope that I could gain back my strenght...

Epiphany

I now realize why I am having trouble in finding peace with all that's been happening to me. I was holding onto a past that's full of sadness and pain. I was really having trouble letting go... Maybe that is the reason why I am practically miserable with my life. During one of my reflections a while ago, I remembered the teachings of my ex during our happier days and she told me that the keys to true happiness is to learn from the mistakes of your past, let go of all the ugliness and just keep moving forward...

Keep moving forward, such simple words but full of meaning. I have forgotten those words that she spoke of till now. Maybe with the grace of God, I will find the strength to just keep on moving forward... and maybe someday, I will truly find the peace and inner healing that I am yearning for. As for now, my quest for a whole new life has finally begun...

internet

I still remember the good ol days when the word internet did not exist in my vocabulary. I remembered hanging out in the library during after school hours to do my research. Times have changed right now and information gathering is easily accessible via the information superhighway or the internet.

I remembered my very first internet connection, it's a very slow dial up modem (broadband was a thing of fiction then...). Things have changed now and I am already hooked up with a smoking 1mbps broadband connection. I know this may not be much, but it is more than enough bandwidth for me to really enjoy the capabilities of the internet like download those mp3 files at a much faster speed...

Looking back, I have to admit that this technology is really here to stay. It has changed so many lives and it has indeed brought people closer that ever. The world is indeed getting smaller, communicating with other people from other parts of the world became faster.

But this marvelous technology also came with a price, and it has fallen into the wrong hands and it's technology and the freedom of speech that it brought have been abused in more ways than one. But all in all, this technology have indeed touched our very lives and society and have in a way, made this world a better place to be in.

realizations

This is the first day that I am trying to find peace from all that's happened to me. And this is the 14th day that I'm trying to find the answers why this has to happen to me, why does she have to hurt me like this when all I ever did was love... Everything just came tumbling down on the day I lost my job. She just stopped caring and moved on so fast. Then I found out from her that she's already seeing another man and my instinct told me that she's seeing him even when we're still together. The most painful part in all this is that she left me in my darkest hour when I was right beside her when she's facing some of life's toughest challenges and I took care of her all through those times...

Maybe I'm just trying too hard to find the answers. I have asked her the questions but she wouldn't grant me the courtesy of being honest with me. She told me that I do not have the right to ask such questions anymore...

I really felt alone and abandoned through all of these which lead me to another question, is God really fair? Does he really love us like He promised? Where is HE when I needed him?

Looking back, my relationship with that girl was a rocky one from the start. And when I analysed things, it has almost always been kinda one-sided. My relationship with the Lord is also quite similar. I used to have a personal relationship with Him (well I think I used to...) when I was in highschool and during my early years in college. My youth has lead me to a lot of challenges that broke my heart in more ways that one which lead me to really question my faith and walk with HIM. I have to admit though that I am not what you might call a worthy christian after all... I also have my flaws which eventually lead me to completely ignore my faith in HIM.

Maybe the challenges that I'm facing right now is just a gentle reminder from HIM that I need to set my life straight again. I used to blame GOD for all that's happening to me but as I thought things through, I realised that GOD is not the cause of my misery... I made my own decisions that lead to my own mistakes and those mistakes are the ones that are hurting me and making me feel the way I am right now. I am slowly beginning to realise the kind of life that I lived is not the one that he wants me to do. I have been going head to head against HIS own will for me, maybe that is the reason why my life is spinning out of control right now. I wish I could see the bigger picture, I wish I could understand HIS plans for me, I am having a hard time in trusting, I am having a difficult time in believing... Maybe all that I needed to do is to start trusting HIS heart...

Lord, I surrender...

I give up, I don't want to fight anymore... I'm tired of all the things that been happening to me, I blame no one but myself and my past sins. Please take this pain and misery away from me and give me peace in my heart... Take my life and make it as your own... All I ask is for me to find peace... My life is spinning beyond my control, please guide me back Lord and your will be done...

despair

Everything just came tumbling down, first I lost my job, then my finances became tight, I am having a difficult time in making ends meet, I can't seem to find the right job, I became emotional because of all the challenges, me and my girlfriend argued a lot, then she left me for another man just when I needed her the most... What's the worst thing that could happen to me?

This has been a never ending cycle for me, everytime I fall in love, I always end up falling flat on my face. Maybe this just isn't the right time, but come to think of it, when will the right time be? Am I cursed to spend my lifetime in pain? Am I destined to spend my life alone? Why can't anybody just realize my worth?...

I am not a bad person to deserve all this pain and frustrations, all I ever did was love. I know I am not perfect and I know I have my flaws. But I also know that each and everyone of us are not perfect beings. We each have our own flaws specially in our character. But I have learned to overlook those flaws and loved her even more.

When will this stop hurting? When will the pain go away? This wounded warrior is already growing tired, this little boy is already loosing faith. This little man is almost loosing hope...

The wounds in my heart, mind and soul are still fresh. The pain is still here, I thought that I'd be happy, I thought that I'd grow old with her. I guess I was wrong, dead wrong.

All I ever really wanted was to be loved and accepted for what I really am inspite of all my imperfections. I am not an evil or bad person, so why am I always the one who's getting hurt?

questions in my heart

arrows shot through the heart
painfully tearing it apart.
the tears kept flowing
the pain kept on growing.
i'm so tired of fighting
so tired of hoping.

why does it have to be like this?
loving you was my only wish...

how could you go break my heart?
and kicked me hard when i'm already down.
how could you be so cold?
and just leave me with no promises kept?

don't you remember those days gone by?
where you promised your love will never die?
why did you have to go?
why do you hurt me so?

questions tearing in my heart,
questions why we're apart.
i guess i'll never truly know,
the answers to those questions in my heart...

cancer...

The news of the mother of a dear friend of mine having cancer made me remember my own experiences with my family's own battle with that dreaded and highly dilapidating disease.

My own father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer a little over ten years ago and I was practically right beside fighting the battles with him since I received the news on that faithful summer day. I actually haven't taken him seriously when he jokingly told me that he was dying as he had cancer because my dad was always the joker.

The cancer has actually taken its toll on him and tried to take away his dignity as a person, but the strong fighter that he was, he never really gave up fighting till the very end. He was actually the source of strength of our family during those trying times.

Not only has it taken its toll on him as a person, it has also taken its toll on us as a family. But somehow, our family has bonded together stronger than ever. Looking back made me realize what we've actually been through. And it made me realize how lucky we are to have such a strong and loving family.

It's almost ten years now since my father passed away and not a day has gone by that he wasn't missed. A lot has happened since that one fateful day. He was loved, he is loved and he is truly missed. My one greatest regret is that he never lived to see his four beautiful grandchild and he will also never get to see my kids when my turn will come to have a family of my own...

fate / faith ( a reflection )

The past few weeks have brought me a lot of things to question my trust in faith. Faith in a person, faith in my destiny, even my faith in the one that is the father of all creations. It all started to spiral downward that one faithful April morning when I left my old place of occupation and haven't been able to seek decent employment ever since...

Those months and weeks were the hardest for me and it really began to take its toll in my entire well-being. I am so stressed right now from all that has happened. And to make things worst, my eye allergies kept acting up and my right eye showed some retinal ulcerations.

The person I truly loved left me, my finances are tight, my eye hurts like hell, I am having trouble in finding the right career path, how low can someone get?... What's the worst thing that could happen to me right now? I feel as if that life is playing a really sick joke on me, or is it?...

I know that things happen for a reason, and maybe I'm just too busy whinning about my losses that I forgot to sit down and ponder why... And maybe, I'm just too busy blaming someone else for my misery that I forgot to think that maybe, I am also one to blame?...

Fate and destiny have brought me a lot of things and I should really feel blessed because I'm still alive. Maybe I just failed to see the bigger picture, I may be missing the bigger purpose of things...

This could be the perfect time to ponder and to try to find myself and let this wounded warrior heal...

making things right

I know it's my fault this has to happen. Everybody have their flaws and I too admit that I have a ton of them. What hurts me the most is that you have left me without a speck of closure. What's killing me is that I never knew the reasons why...

All I ever wanted was to spend my life with you and I honestly still do... I know my flaws and I will work hard on it to make things right. If not for you then at least I'll do it just for me.

I still pray that the day will come and our paths will cross again, I still pray for the day that I'd still be by your side...

I want to be worthy of your love, but you honestly just can't see my worth. But who can blame you when things just kept happening so damn fast. I do have plans of making something out of myself. All I ever wanted was to give you the life that you deserved. I am not a complete bum who just sit down and to nothing to make things right again.

I just pray that I would be given that chance, a chance to make something out of myself, a chance to improve on my well being. I am slowly taking those steps right now but I know that time is no longer completely on my side...

I have a little bit over a year to improve on my physical well-being as well as reach my financial stability. I know of your plans to want to get married by the age of 27... I just hope that I will make it in time, and I just hope that I will be able to win your heart back again... I hope that I could make things right that time around...

cellphones

I remember the good ol day when I'm finally working on a career and got enough money to buy my own mobile phone. I hurriedly went to the shop and purchased one, it was actually an old model nokia 2100 which was actually bulky. It was one of those first generation gsm phones. It has been more than 10 years since I've been using a mobile phone and it got me thinking, is a mode of communication that allows for easy access really makes life easier?...

True, you would be able to stay in touch with your business contacts and other people that really mattered to your life. But like all things, being easily accessible have come with a price. People are now suddenly too accessible and too connected that they may have lost that private "me" moment. We are constantly on the go, living out a fast paced and busy life, but have we remembered to slow down every once in a while?

Having such a mode of communication have also made us forget how to really reach out and touch someone. People are now communicating by text messages and phone calls even when they're just right across from one another.

And privacy is also beginning to be another issue since you are easily reacheable, you are also easily targetted by those pesky telemarketers (no offense guys) who would call in the worst of times to ask if you want to buy a tube of metal polish...

All in all, acquiring such a technology both have its ups and downs and I have to admit that it is here to stay and will always be a part of our daily lives. Let's just not forget the simple joys of slowing down once in a while so we can also enjoy and appreciate the simpler things in life...

milkshake

What went wrong?

This question has been playing and going in my mind since the day you said goodbye to me. I really thought that you and I are gonna be together for the rest of our lives. It would be nice to grow old and start a family with you someday (and so I thought...). The two of us have our share of ups and downs during our relationship that lasted for more than 2 years and I really would've worked harder to make it last longer than a lifetime. What happened just kept on playing in my head. I still couldn't believe that it is all over and done with. I still couldn't accept that you've had a change of heart...

I know I have my flaws (who doesn't) but I am working hard to correct them and all I needed was some time and a little more understanding. There are reasons why you had to say goodbye and I really wish that you'd tell me what those reasons are... I know that a lot of people in your family does not want us to be together for they feel that I am not worth your while. I am really trying hard to make something out of myself but my plans just kept on crashing down...

These past few week had brought me hell and I know that I need to stand up and start living my life again. I know that life isn't fair (it never was...), and I know that all I ever did was love. I also know that loosers always whine and cry over their spilled bucket of milk. Might as well as learn how to make milkshake...

Deep down inside, I have an idea why you left me in the first place. I know you want a thin, goodlooking, and rich chinese guy (and I am the exact opposite of what you wanted), and I know that I am not what you and your family are looking for. And I also know that your family is also secretly against your having a relationship with me. What pains me the most is that you've given up so easily when I could've been with you till the end.

I fought so hard to make this work even if I was left fighting the battles all alone. I was hurt and I was down... My life had shattered, my heart stopped beating the day you said goodbye...

I still wanna believe that there's a reason behind all of these. I still wanna believe in a silver lining...

But at least I gained some wisdom in what has happened. I don't wanna feel angry, for how can you be angry towards the one that you hold so dear? All I can do now is wish you well and hope that life would still be kind to you. Inspite of all the pain, I still feel no bitterness towards you or your family as I understand that you just wanted the best that life has to offer...

All I can do now is work even smarter, strive even harder to improve on my life and myself. And when the winds of fate would cross our paths again, I hope that I can hold my head up high and show you that I've turned that spilled bucket of milk into a very yummy milkshake...

why...

why is forgeting so easy for other people in a relationship when they too might have invested in it specially if the relationship have lasted this long?
why is it easier for other people to treat others for granted when they say or claimed that they truly loved that person?
why is it easier for other people to hurt the ones that they supposedly loved?
why is it that they expect it that it would not be hard on you?
why is it that they expect you to easily move on and forget them too when we are all but only human?
how i wish that there's a button that i can push to turn off all these pain, a switch that i can pull to make it stop hurting so...

why i'm fat...

my recent break-up with the girl that i really loved and want to spend my life with made me think... it was her number one obsession to make me thinner and it was also her number one disappointment (could be one of the reason why she left me...)

the reason why i'm fat is because food has always been my outlet. i eat because i'm unhappy, and i'm unhappy because i eat. this has always been a vicious cycle. whenever i have a problem or whenever i came upon a challenge, i always turn to food as my source of comfort.

maybe this really need to change as i am already a 220lb slob who's overweight by at least 60 pounds... i really need to change the way i think and get in touch with my inner core...

i need to find a way to heal... and a way to improve myself... to show the world who i really am...

a broken heart...

It's so hard when someone you really cared about and loved said goodbye. It's even harder when she just suddenly stopped caring and stopped loving.
Why do people's feelings suddenly change overnight? It's even harder because she's not even affected with what has happened to our relationship...

How can somebody be that cold? All I ever did was to love her with all my heart. I have invested way too much in that relationship hoping that it will last forever.
I really thought that it would be the two of us, I really thought that I would spend my life and grow old with her... I was so ready to give her my name... I already laid out the plans on how we would spend our lives together...

Then disaster struck, I was out of the job, the money is not coming in anymore so my finances became tight. Everything became emotional as I am going through a very difficult time so we fought and argued quite a lot.

All I was asking was a little patience and understanding but she couldn't give me that. She slowly started to reject and turned cold on me the day I lost my job...
Then it happened, she told me that she's calling it off for awhile one Friday night saying that she needed to think things through, we got into an arguement because I refused to give up and she called it quits.

I just wanted to fight for her but she already made up her mind. She wasn't even sad that this has to end. How can anybody be so cold? How couldn't she be affected when our relationship lasted for more than 2 long years?

I thought that I was the one as she told me before that I am the one that she'd like to grow old with. She promised me forever... She promised to stay with me through thick and thin... But I guess people do change...

I just need to not listen to any promises anymore so that I could avoid a shitload of pain again... I just don't know how I can get thru all of these. I am in so much pain right now and I still can't stop thinking about her when she's no longer giving me even a single thought.

How I wish that I can turn back time to make things right. How I would give to spend even a single moment with her again... A part of me had died the day she said goodbye...

Why

Here I am hurting and bleeding (so what else is new?) and thinking out loud again...
Why do I always end up falling flat on my face each and everytime I start to really care and be in love with someone?
Why do I always end up getting burned? Why do people always end up leaving me?
Why do they always end up huring me in more ways than one? Always the same questions but never finding the answers...
Am I a bad person? Do I really deserve all this crap that I am getting? All I ever did was love... All I ever wanted was to be loved in return...
The practice of romanticism died when my heart stopped beating. I gave away my heart and it ended up being broken...
A part of me is already missing, a part of me has died, the day she said goodbye...

Darkness

Arrows shot straight thru my heart.
Constantly bleeding and never ever healing.
The world so dark and not a light in sight.
I feel so cold, so alone...
How I wish I'm made of stone...