Cold hearted

I am practically living my life all alone and no one else to call my own. People always left me and they always took me for granted. I am yet to find the one person that I'm supposed to be with, I am yet to find a place where I will truly belong. People always said that they loved me but they always end up hurting me. They always made me believed that their hearts are true but they always ended up telling me that they never really loved me. This got me thinking, what is the true meaning of love? Is it all just an illusion?

All I wanted was to be loved and accepted for who and what I am. I remembered a Christian song wherein it tells us not to let our heart be hardened and not to let our love grow cold. How can my heart remain soft and warm when the world around me is cruel and unforgiving? How can I not let it become stone cold when the people around me were never true to me in the first place?

Am I destined to live my life and grow old alone? I don't know what to do anymore, living, growing old and dying alone is my greatest fear. I know I still have a lot of love to give but nobody would give me that chance. Maybe I'm better off being by myself, maybe I'm going to make it on my own if I could just stop feeling like this and allow my heart to die and become lifeless and as cold as it could ever be...

Don't let your heart be hardened

Don't Let Your Heart Be Hardened

Words and music by Bob Hartman
Based on Psalm 95:7-8, Hebrews 3:13

(Chorus)
Don't let your heart be hardened - don't let your love grow cold
May it always stay so childlike - may it never grow too old
Don't let your heart be hardened - may you always know the cure
Keep it broken before Jesus, keep it thankful, meek, and pure

May it always feel compassion - may it beat as one with God's
May it never be contrary - may it never be at odds
May it always be forgiving - may it never know conceit
May it always be encouraged - may it never know defeat

May your heart be always open - never satisfied with right
May your heat be filled with courage and strengthened with all might

Let His love rain down upon you
Breaking up your fallow ground
Let it loosen all the binding
Till only tenderness is found


I tried to think about this song each and every time that life dealt a hardening blow. I tried so hard not to let my heart die but it just kept getting harder. To be honest, I am already starting to loose faith specially in humanity. People can be cruel, judgemental and unforgiving. They can pretend that they care but deep down inside, they never really gave a damn. They can also say that they love you but what is the meaning of the word "love". Do they just say it because they felt that they had to? Was it said out of duty? They claimed that they gave it freely but will eventually betray and hurt you in the end. I guess everybody lies... In the end, there's only one person that I can really trust and that one person is just me...

Overcast

When will I ever get through this dark shadow that has descended upon me? Everything that I've worked hard for was lost, every plan that I made never materialized. All I ever wanted was to have a better life but all I got was failures and misery... When will these trials end? Is there a higher power that's out to get me? If trials are here to strengthen and build our character, why are those trials that's been coming to my life seem to slowly break my spirit and will to live? I am but a lonely boy who's walking in this darkness and trying to find his way but each step that I took seem to bring me further from the light. I am growing weary from this never ending journey, I don't know how long I would be able to hold on, I don't know if I still have the strength to keep fighting. I am almost at the end of my road. GOD if YOU're there, please help me and please give me the strength to endure. I can't do this on my own... I am tired, so tired of fighting all my life, so tired of being this lone wanderer who's never had a place to call my own. So tired of being a sole warrior who's always facing his demons on his own...

Focus

I am really having a difficult time in finding my way. I am constantly met with different crossroads and each path that I took seemed to take me further from my goals. I don't know how to stay focused when my mind is filled with confusion. I don't know which road to take in order for me to be on the right path. I just wish that I will be able to find the peace that I've been looking for in order for me to silence my heart and my mind so that I can finally have a sense of clarity to know what I am supposed to do, which road that I'm supposed to take...